DShe…..I think that I can say that just about everyone on this forum has been where you are, at some point, with their alcoholic....
Sometimes, the anger just gets to a white hot level...and, we act it out, somehow....
It is so hard to accept the situation, as it is.....
Since you have made the decision to stay.....accept, you must. This will mean lowering the bar on your expectations of him....lowering the bar realllly low....like, at ground level...then then digging a trench below ground level...lol....
While leaving would require changes on your part...and, that seems so scary to a lot of people....the reality is, that, staying requires just as much changing on your part...and, just as much work in preparing for the future...(you indicated, in your response to my post to you in another thread...that you were looking into the resources that you will need as his condition deteriorates)….I ope that you are still doing that.
One thing that might help, in the planning, is to make sure that his affairs are inorder...you can do that bit , together. Thing that need to be considered...like life insurance, living will things...and final wishes, on his part.
Also, planning for your own self....like how will you have additional help...in order to get some respite...some breaks...or help, should you fall ill, yourself....The emotional and physical strain on the caregiver can be tremendous.....
The thing is...that the goal posts keep moving...since alcoholism is progressive. What is enough for today, may not be enough for three or six months from today.....
I know, from reading your posts, that detachment is your goal....are you getting enough help on the detachment front....specific help....? Remember the man with the ham sandwich...lol! It takes a lot of support and help to get to that point in detachment...
One thing that could help you with the mental aspects of this is to read the more than 100 articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones....enough for you to read and digest one every single day...lol..
(They are contained in the "stickies'...just above the threads)….but, I am giving you the following link to them...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***By the way, don't beat yourself up about the pouring out episode. It is understand able , under the situation. Everyone has a breaking point, when the anger builds up....
Whether you pour out, or not pour out, will not have any effect on the ultimate outcome....