Originally Posted by
Sasha1972 
I had a mini-breakthrough when I realized that my ex doesn't really care about being a parent. He cares about the idea of himself as a great dad, and so his actions will maximize that idea while minimizing any of the work of raising a child. There is no inconsistency - he is behaving in a way that is completely consistent with his own values. It's necessary for him to believe that the only reason why he isn't parenting is because of me and my irrational hostility, because believing that allows him to reconcile his idea of himself as a would-be great dad with the reality that he's doing nothing to raise his child, conveniently leaving alcohol and craziness out of the equation. Maybe something similar going on with your XILs?
I totally agree. I feel like my X only does certain things for the kids because he is seeking some sort of self gratification...to make himself feel not so crappy. He walled around like "Father of the year" after the first therapy session. Like he did something so marvelous. When in fact the reason why we were all there was because of him. But of course its easier to blame me and not himself when he doesnt show up for kids. I've caught on to his games.
I have no idea what's going with my XIL's. My XMIL wanted her son back so bad. She got him, now she can keep him and deal with him. I'm washing my hands clean. My parents and I often refer to my X and his family as the "village of idiots" because it's sometimes unbelievable that grow adults behave the way that they do.