I had a mini-breakthrough when I realized that my ex doesn't really care about being a parent. He cares about the idea of himself as a great dad, and so his actions will maximize that idea while minimizing any of the work of raising a child. There is no inconsistency - he is behaving in a way that is completely consistent with his own values. It's necessary for him to believe that the only reason why he isn't parenting is because of me and my irrational hostility, because believing that allows him to reconcile his idea of himself as a would-be great dad with the reality that he's doing nothing to raise his child, conveniently leaving alcohol and craziness out of the equation. Maybe something similar going on with your XILs?