Angry. . .
I have been feeling very angry for the last 2 days.
Trigger: On Tuesday I took my older son to his 2nd therapy session. My younger son had picture day at school and couldn't make it. The last therapy session we had was in late June. My STBAXH was present for the first session. The day after the first therapy session my X texted me asking when the next therapy appointment was scheduled. I sent him a text with the date and time of appointment. He responded "ok...thanks."
On Tuesday, my DS11 asked me, as we were on our way to appointment, if he Dad was going. I told him I'm not sure and I let DS11 know that I did send his Dad the date and time of the appointment when he asked. Surprise...surprise my X didn't show up. My DS11 and I did the therapy session, it was good. The therapist asked where my X was and I told her that I had not idea where he was at. We also had an open discussion about my X not showing up for events, appointments, activities for kids as missing the therapy session was a perfect example. My son expressed that he "doesn't care" whether his Dad shows up or not but the therapist and I agree that it truly does hurt him deep down inside. The therapist gave me some good feedback on what I can do for my boys such as try to spend time with them separately once in a while as they have different interests. My therapist said it is important for me to be the strong stable figure in my kids lives since their Dad isn't willing to do so. She also suggested that I try to put restrictions during visitation about Dad drinking while kids are their. I told her I have stipulation in place during visitation when divorce is finalized.
My feelings: I feel so upset at the fact that he didn't show. And I think this is where all the emotional and verbal abuse comes in …. he would constantly hound me about me not letting him be a "Father" to our boys. Showing up to therapy is a productive start for him to bridge the gap between his relationship with his kids but he fails to attend important events.
The denial and blame from his mother also kicks in. The last conversation I had with her which was back in March where she told me (when she unexpectedly showed up to my parents house) "He has every right to see his kids", "His kids are a priority when they are with him" and "He tries to call you and DS11 but neither of you answer his calls." I kept my composure because I had a mouth full of words that weren't nice to say the least. I'm pretty sure my XMIL is unaware that her "son" has missed several important events for his "kids".
I feel like I'm constantly on the defense when it comes to my X and his family. They are in complete denial of his addiction and lack of parenting but for some reason everything is always my fault. I feel like I'm the only one fighting for my kids to have a good healthy childhood and my X and his family are doing everything to tear that apart. I have so much angry towards them. I am glad that I don't have verbal communication with anyone in that family but I do worry about how they influence my boys. I pray to God everyday to protect my kids when they are with their Dad and his family. I have constant worry and fear about their future and how they are negatively impacted by their Dad and his family. I know its all in God's hands but it is so hard.