Thanks for all the helpful insights. I haven't drank for 5 days now. But I also haven't had a choice. The day I posted this thread, I ate a sandwich before bed and woke up AS IF I HAD CHUGGED an entire fifth of vodka before bed. I woke up exactly as I had on the weekend, and I'd done nothing but drink water and eat bland foods. Before I went to bed Monday night, I did nothing abnormal except make a ham, mayo, and mustard sandwich. I didn't think that was pushing anything. I'm guessing it sitting in my stomach all night messed up a possible ulcer? Anyone have any information on this? It gravely concerns me. I'm now afraid to eat anything but plain white rice. I just got health insurance again, so I can quit going to awful secondhand doctors for a minute and get my gastrointestinal system completely checked out for free. I'm ready to get healthy. I'm trying to think of all the successful people who just never drank or did drugs and they're totally fine. I want to be fine with that. I think I'm ready, if I can get over this hump. The fact that I can't drink caffeine without tearing a bloody rip in my internal organs is driving me mad. I feel like I'm on 24/7 pure-auto pilot. Still alive, though. Honestly, I turned on a camera and wrote final words yesterday, because I was alone, just in case. Feeling much better today. It feels like the list just keeps piling onto itself. I'm going for forced self-rehabilitation. I'm going to read. Meditate. Delete social media.I know there's some therapy group in my city with a gimmicky acronym. There are resources. I use(d) alcohol as a crutch. I don't ever talk or feel inspired without it. Even in this place where my body is dead, my mind still fiends for it. It's mad. I have no intention on giving in, but how in the world is this junk legal? I guess that's my situation right now. Getting the courage to go talk to people and dealing with the intense anxiety I know is more soul-crushing in my head than can actually manifest. I need to understand that. I need to understand alcohol just brings out some insincere part of me that's more capable at attacking demons, but I can do that on my own.