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Another weekend, another almost dead again

Old 08-06-2018, 09:40 AM
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Another weekend, another almost dead again

It is now Monday. I've eaten maybe 3 bites since Friday morning. I guess I have ulcer(s). On Friday, I wanted to go out and do something, but everyone else had to work on Saturday morning, and I kind of wanted to just walk around downtown alone. Long story short - talked for hours with some heavy anime nerds, ended up at a house party, then it hit. Hard.
Neon bile started spewing out of my face while listening to the Grateful Dead in the grass on a beautiful morning. Luckily I have a friend who never sleeps and got my text string of "helps." I spent all weekend force-sleeping, hallucinating intensely, going through hot/cold sweats. If I was a homeless person or didn't have friends to take care of me, I would be dead right now. I'm taking Bentyl every 12 hours to keep from ****ing myself. All I have are 3 notches on the tree stump to show for it, and I didn't even mean to get those ones. I just can't believe this has happened 10 times in a row and 10 times I've not learned my lesson. What does that say about me? I'm so worried about myself. I am the definition of pathetic.
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Old 08-06-2018, 09:47 AM
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Sorry to hear that Arthox. I would be worried if I were you too - do you think you might want to actually do something about it? You aren't pathetic - but you do have a choice in this. You ask what it says about you - i think basically it says that you are an alcoholic, just like me and most of us here. You don't even need to use that word if you don't like it, but you do need to accept that drinking alcohol in any volume is not an option anymore.
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Old 08-06-2018, 10:02 AM
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You are not pathetic - you are a person with a problem, and it is difficult to come to terms with it. The whole 10 times out of 10 times thing you mentioned resonates with me, because there were many moments while in active alcoholism that I tried to convince myself that I could control it, despite knowing that statistics were so off the charts against this hypothesis that I’d have to be crazy to believe it. Was I crazy? In a way, yes... crazy irrational due to an untreated disease: alcoholism. There is help, and it’s time you ate your pride and sought it.

Not to scare you, but honestly it sounds like a part of you is in denial about the devastating physical effects alcohol can have. Just to really drive it home, I think you should YouTube some alcoholism documentaries about young people whose lives were either cut short or were significantly reduced in quality of life because of untreated alcohol abuse. The scary thing is that many people experience no symptoms until it’s too late. You are experiencing symptoms, my friend; please listen to your body before you no longer have a choice.
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Old 08-06-2018, 06:25 PM
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What exactly "hit"? How you get from nerd talks to Grateful Dead binge drinking? Maybe next time you text the "helps" before "it" "hits", yes?

10 times you not learn you lesson --this not pathetic. Wait till you get to 100 time. Or 1000 time, cuz believe me that come up fast, and then yes, it become pathetic. And plus also, will not always be friend to come get you all hours when you older, cuz they got lifes and stuff.

Now that we sort our you current reading on pathetic meter, what you gonna do?
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Old 08-06-2018, 06:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post
It is now Monday. I've eaten maybe 3 bites since Friday morning. I guess I have ulcer(s). On Friday, I wanted to go out and do something, but everyone else had to work on Saturday morning, and I kind of wanted to just walk around downtown alone. Long story short - talked for hours with some heavy anime nerds, ended up at a house party, then it hit. Hard.
Neon bile started spewing out of my face while listening to the Grateful Dead in the grass on a beautiful morning. Luckily I have a friend who never sleeps and got my text string of "helps." I spent all weekend force-sleeping, hallucinating intensely, going through hot/cold sweats. If I was a homeless person or didn't have friends to take care of me, I would be dead right now. I'm taking Bentyl every 12 hours to keep from ****ing myself. All I have are 3 notches on the tree stump to show for it, and I didn't even mean to get those ones. I just can't believe this has happened 10 times in a row and 10 times I've not learned my lesson. What does that say about me? I'm so worried about myself. I am the definition of pathetic.
At least you are aware of the condition and can address it.
This could mean AA, some other stop drinking organization, or even rehab.
House parties and the Grateful Dead may need to be substituted by somethings that may seem initially dull. Some form of prior councelling seems essential
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Old 08-06-2018, 07:06 PM
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Your here & posting Arthrox for a reason. Your not alone in this & you can make the choice to never feel like you are again......thank God we don’t have to live like that. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself like you would treat a friend in your situation. Glad your here with us
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Old 08-07-2018, 07:07 AM
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Have to agree with Cow on this one--
I've relapsed so many times in my life I literally can't count them.

Just dust yourself off and start again--review and tighten your plan,
or make one if you haven't yet.
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Old 08-07-2018, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post
I'm so worried about myself.
But not yet worried enough to not drink?

You made a choice to go to a party, you made a choice to drink at that party, and these things don't just happen by magic, they are choices and decisions, conscious or otherwise. Choosing *not* to go to a party at this point in your life seems the wise choice, are you going to make that choice next time? Or are you going to repeat the same pattern?

We usually have to make changes in our lives in order to stop drinking, at least temporary changes. Some of those changes might include not hanging around people who drink, not going to our old watering holes, not going to certain stores where we used to buy alcohol, and not going to parties. If we're not willing to make those changes, almost certainly we're going to stay stuck in the same circular pattern.
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Old 08-08-2018, 12:12 PM
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Thanks for all the helpful insights. I haven't drank for 5 days now. But I also haven't had a choice. The day I posted this thread, I ate a sandwich before bed and woke up AS IF I HAD CHUGGED an entire fifth of vodka before bed. I woke up exactly as I had on the weekend, and I'd done nothing but drink water and eat bland foods. Before I went to bed Monday night, I did nothing abnormal except make a ham, mayo, and mustard sandwich. I didn't think that was pushing anything. I'm guessing it sitting in my stomach all night messed up a possible ulcer? Anyone have any information on this? It gravely concerns me. I'm now afraid to eat anything but plain white rice. I just got health insurance again, so I can quit going to awful secondhand doctors for a minute and get my gastrointestinal system completely checked out for free. I'm ready to get healthy. I'm trying to think of all the successful people who just never drank or did drugs and they're totally fine. I want to be fine with that. I think I'm ready, if I can get over this hump. The fact that I can't drink caffeine without tearing a bloody rip in my internal organs is driving me mad. I feel like I'm on 24/7 pure-auto pilot. Still alive, though. Honestly, I turned on a camera and wrote final words yesterday, because I was alone, just in case. Feeling much better today. It feels like the list just keeps piling onto itself. I'm going for forced self-rehabilitation. I'm going to read. Meditate. Delete social media.I know there's some therapy group in my city with a gimmicky acronym. There are resources. I use(d) alcohol as a crutch. I don't ever talk or feel inspired without it. Even in this place where my body is dead, my mind still fiends for it. It's mad. I have no intention on giving in, but how in the world is this junk legal? I guess that's my situation right now. Getting the courage to go talk to people and dealing with the intense anxiety I know is more soul-crushing in my head than can actually manifest. I need to understand that. I need to understand alcohol just brings out some insincere part of me that's more capable at attacking demons, but I can do that on my own.
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Old 08-08-2018, 12:48 PM
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arthox, this
I'm going for forced self-rehabilitation.
is quite concerning to read.from your very first thread:
I can't cure whatever this mental pain problem I have is
I need help
I need real help.

here- take a read
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8329031

read this,too:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...deep-hole.html (ah geez Rick, I'm in a pretty deep hole)


and this:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...7048-back.html (Back)

theres a few common themes in all of them:
-doin it on your own
-excuses why you can stop
-leaving the door open for drinking
- not WANTING recovery.

ya think maybe its time to look at this all differently? maybe WANT to stop drinking?
then be WILLING to go to any lengths for that-lengths that dont include self rehab,which seems to get ya drunk?
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Old 08-12-2018, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
arthox, this
I'm going for forced self-rehabilitation.
is quite concerning to read.from your very first thread:
I can't cure whatever this mental pain problem I have is
I need help
I need real help.

here- take a read

read this,too:



and this:
[

theres a few common themes in all of them:
-doin it on your own
-excuses why you can stop
-leaving the door open for drinking
- not WANTING recovery.

ya think maybe its time to look at this all differently? maybe WANT to stop drinking?
then be WILLING to go to any lengths for that-lengths that dont include self rehab,which seems to get ya drunk?
Thank you. I honestly, REALLY needed that. The dates on those posts are what got me. How many times in such a short stint can I keep up this mad act? That really ****ed with my head. I am 9 days sober. Nothing profound has happened other than I'm keeping my #1 priority in ALL OF LIFE to not drink. I went to bed early on Friday and Saturday. My roommate bought a bottle last night, so I meditated, then went to bed early. I don't feel well enough to go on a morning walk yet. The watch that I wear feels heavy, I've lost so much weight these past two weeks. I'm boiling golden potatoes, carrots, celery, and cabbage in a pot and only adding minimum salt. Sticking to apple juice to release dopamine. Lots of water. I bought CBD oil and started taking St. John's Wort; they're kind of kicking my alcohol cravings entirely, somehow, but I know that will soon be untrue.

XXXXXXXXX

Last edited by Arthox; 08-12-2018 at 06:53 AM. Reason: platypuses are poisonous egg-laying mammals that swim
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Old 08-12-2018, 06:46 AM
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That stuff is good Arthox. What about support like an AA meeting?
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Old 08-12-2018, 07:13 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
That stuff is good Arthox. What about support like an AA meeting?
There's this local place for people to be sober. It has a stupid acronym, but it might be beneficial. They go bowling and camping, and I'm really good at bof those things.

I can attend an AA/NA meeting any day of the week. I went to them and support groups for a year. They don't help me. The people are usually really dumb and fiendish. Half of them are high and/or drunk and then they go on huge lying rants about random ****. It stresses me out and makes me want to drink. They all drink coffee and smoke cigarettes at these places. I can't drink coffee or smoke right now for medical reasons. Then you sprinkle in a little bit of Jesus and prayer. I've been to church on acid. I think I understand the gist of religion. It's useful for some people. It's great. If a book can concrete ideas so people don't kill and rape my family, that's fantastic. It doesn't help me to talk about this storybook though, when my subconscious is saying: "DRINK. LEAVE. DRINK. LEAVE. DRINK." Feels like setting myself up for failure. Maybe.

I guess I feel like I'm separating myself from the number of days and the people. I guess I'm keeping the pen to the page. It's easier to stay sober that way, when it's not in my face. Out of sight, etc.

Should I go to an AA meeting?
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Old 08-12-2018, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Arthox View Post
Should I go to an AA meeting?
That’s a decision you need to make for yourself. Being around others who are sober, or trying to be sober, can be beneficial. Doesn’t really matter whether it’s here on SR, an AA meeting, of any other recovery community.
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Old 08-12-2018, 04:28 PM
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It sounds to me that you need to do some kind of recovery program. What you describe is not my experience with any part of AA and definitely not what the program is supposed to be. AA is not about religion, and there is a whole lot of advice for living and lots of good people involved in a program that is solely intended to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers, which I sure was and you sound like you are too.

Like Scott said, getting help and getting it from people other than what our own brains think will work (like willpower, hope, avoiding alcohol, positive thinking...) is something most of us had to do, or simply found made the process of getting sober and learning to live in recovery possible.

Judging others did not help me, nor did spending time with people who were making bad choices and actions in their own lives.
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Old 08-13-2018, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
It sounds to me that you need to do some kind of recovery program. What you describe is not my experience with any part of AA and definitely not what the program is supposed to be. AA is not about religion, and there is a whole lot of advice for living and lots of good people involved in a program that is solely intended to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers, which I sure was and you sound like you are too.

Like Scott said, getting help and getting it from people other than what our own brains think will work (like willpower, hope, avoiding alcohol, positive thinking...) is something most of us had to do, or simply found made the process of getting sober and learning to live in recovery possible.

Judging others did not help me, nor did spending time with people who were making bad choices and actions in their own lives.
I made it another night. I'm going to start attending AA meetings at a better living through recovery center in town. They run marathons and go camping and junk. It seems like it might be better than one of these secondhand-Bible-Belt-meth-meetings ran by tweakers and pill junkies.

That's what I'm doing. #1 is avoid alcohol. It's making me much happier; music sounds better and I can't get enough, which is strange and good, but I can tell I'm separating a part of myself to deal with the stress of not drinking. I'm just not addressing it and it's working for right now. I guess a group could help me tackle this problem and solidify it positively in my brain. You're right, I don't think the human mind possesses the ability to detach from alcohol and move forward on it's own without a positive external environment. They're too related to each other. It's really hard saying that after being a stubborn ******* for 27 years.
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