So tomorrow is my ‘favorite little brother’s’ birthday (I have 3 cousins I’m very close to who I consider to be brothers, and this one and I have been very close since we were babies). We are having a family BBQ for him at his house tomorrow night. Our entire family will be there. Which sounds awesome, right?
I’m not even worried about the not drinking with them part of it all. My other cousin already invited me out to a bar with all of them tonight, which I respectfully declined. I haven’t come right out and told them all directly that I’m not drinking, but this cousin who invited me out tonight is also the boyfriend of the birthday girl 2 weekends ago, whose party I went to where I was so pleasantly surprised that no one interrogated me about what I was or wasn’t drinking, and when I realized that it’s really not that big of a deal. So I know they don’t care if I don’t drink...they’ve already proved that.
What I’m worried about is WANTING to drink. It’s so irrational on my part, which just makes it even worse. This side of my family is incredible...I moved here just to be closer to them. My “worst” days with them are what I’d consider to be pretty good days with the other side of my family that I moved away from. Yet somehow, my messed up head finds ways to make this a stressful thing! One is very legit...my aunt and her new boyfriend, which is a whole story, and one of the things that set me off on my Memorial Day bender, that I’ve mentioned a few times and that ended with me here quitting. They will be there tomorrow. But there is literally nothing else. My only other female cousin on this side of my family, who I’m not close to at all to begin with, is a little holier than thou, and tends to make sure none of us forget that and how perfect her life is. Whatever? I should be able to tune that out.
I don’t want to be plotting in my head right now where all the bars and liquor stores are between my office and my cousin’s house, since I have about an hour to kill between work and the party tomorrow. I know i don’t need it!! But I wasted probably an hour total of my night tonight just overanalyzing everything about tomorrow. And for absolutely no reason. I always called these people my “real family”. They were always the good guys. So why am i creating stress for myself, that doesn’t exist, just to give me an excuse to drink?? There is only one situation out of all of it that is real anxiety for me (the aunt and he boyfriend), and while not only is that minuscule in the scheme of things....I’ve dealt with that situation head on, with no warning, completely sober before with no problems.
I don’t know what’s up with me, and I’m sorry this was such a random, all over the place, doesn’t make much sense post
