You are not pathetic - you are a person with a problem, and it is difficult to come to terms with it. The whole 10 times out of 10 times thing you mentioned resonates with me, because there were many moments while in active alcoholism that I tried to convince myself that I could control it, despite knowing that statistics were so off the charts against this hypothesis that I’d have to be crazy to believe it. Was I crazy? In a way, yes... crazy irrational due to an untreated disease: alcoholism. There is help, and it’s time you ate your pride and sought it.
Not to scare you, but honestly it sounds like a part of you is in denial about the devastating physical effects alcohol can have. Just to really drive it home, I think you should YouTube some alcoholism documentaries about young people whose lives were either cut short or were significantly reduced in quality of life because of untreated alcohol abuse. The scary thing is that many people experience no symptoms until it’s too late. You are experiencing symptoms, my friend; please listen to your body before you no longer have a choice.