It's been a really rough day. What I now believe are the symptoms of kindling started last night and I barely slept at all, crawly skin and heart palpitations. I drank on Friday, was hungover on Saturday but slept and this this started last night. I absolutely horrified to say that this is the third time in my last three relapses that I've had this, not as intense this time but frightening, and if I'm not mistaken I swore after the first time I would never drink again
I spent quite a while today reading about kindling. I've been completely fooling myself that it couldn't be me as I don't drink everyday but I've been a heavy drinker/binge drinker for 20 years. Why could it not be me? I think this is maybe where my process of acceptance starts - accepting I'm just the same as everyone here and NOT the same as drinkers who are NOT like us.
I also have to fly south, to my family home tomorrow, for a couple of days. My aunt has a brain tumor that is inoperable and she only has a couple of month to live, so we are all meeting at my parents house to basically say goodbye to her. She lives far away from us and it might be my last chance.......
What I feel really terrible about (and horribly selfish for saying) is that I'm not ready yet to see my family. i'm still trying to recover from their visit here and I'm not sure how well I'm going to cope with all of this. I wanted to start at AA tomorrow but I think I'll be back in time for the meeting on Thursday. It's all just a bit overwhelming. I'm really hoping a good nights sleep will help (fingers crossed), a lot of meditation and a grateful/positive attitude. It's the lease my aunt deserves. I love her and I want to make her happy.
Whew.....thank you for letting me share all of that. I'm a grown up! Keep myself steady, manage the stress and remember that I do love my family. Rachel xxxx