You are making progress, not sure if you think you are but it seems obvious from what you write.
As for the videos, I guess my concern there is that it might be opening wounds for you? I have been in a relationship like that and nothing was ever recorded but I know I couldn't watch it. Well I could but that would be really hurtful (although at this point I would probably watch and think wth was I thinking lol).
The thing with a list is it's about you. It's about what you, personally, find unacceptable. For instance:
- When I would state I didn't want to do something would go on a tirade of how horrible I am and try to manipulate me.
- If we were having an argument he would always end up raising his hand as if he was about to hit me to get me to back off.
- Completely self-centered
- Would wait until everything was comfortable at home and my guard was down to start a fight.
This list is something that's saying to you - he did this and it's totally unacceptable to ME. So it's not only about what he did per-se it's about you and what you will not put up with from him or from anyone one else.
From that point of view it's empowering, these are not just your "what a terrible husband/boyfriend" you were. I think it is clear from what you have said that he was.
Hope this is helpful.