Could really use your support and knowledge

Old 07-29-2018, 11:43 AM
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Could really use your support and knowledge

Hi Everyone,

So it’s been three months since the abusive AF was removed from the house by the police and he has not stepped foot back in here. I feel like I’m making progress in some ways, and going three steps back in others. I’m feeling safer because I have an alarm system; I’m not locking myself in the master suite at night any longer. I’m getting out of the house from time to time, rather than staying at home. I’ve reached out to some former mutual friends and have had a few lunches and met up with them. That’s real progress from where I was in early May.

So why do I want that same person who terrorized me when he was drunk back in my house? It’s not rational at all. I’m so stuck on the good times and the bad times are fading from memory; all I seem to remember are the times when he was so good to me and how he was before he was drinking. I wanted to forget the bad times and I seem to be doing that, but the good times we had are front and center. I’m literally sick over this.

He had some side action (the one thing he told me when drunk that wasn’t a lie) and he moved in with her rather quickly after he was removed from our house. But I also know he’s not happy with her or where they are living—he gave up a beautiful, brand new house for an old home that she shares with three other people. People text and call me to say he’s out of control and he’s gambling all night at the casino, drunk and heckling players at MLB games, drunk at local events and stumbling around. All of those things that embarrassed me so badly and things that I don’t want back...except that my heart says that I do want him back. I can’t make that stop. Please—how do I make this stop?

On some level I know that I am hurt that he moved on to his side piece so quickly, even if it is just somewhere to live. I also know that when he was sober, before the alcohol took over, he was a good person and I loved him.

Help me, please!
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Old 07-29-2018, 11:53 AM
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There's a name for this: trauma bonding. And a solution. Recovery happens one day at a time. (((gentle hugs)))

Here's an article that explains both the trauma and the steps for recovery.

Trauma bonds occur in very toxic relationships, and tend to be strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement—or at least the hope of something better to come. Trauma bonds can occur in any ongoing attached relationship in which there is a great deal of pain interspersed with times of calm (or maybe just less pain). I liken it to a heroin addiction—the relationship promises much, gives fleeting feelings of utopia, and then it sucks away your very soul.

If you or someone you know has been in an abusive relationship, you have witnessed the strength of this type of connection. Maybe you or someone you know is trying to get out, but seems incapable of leaving.

Well, there is hope. Here is some advice on how to break free from this type of stronghold:

1. Make a commitment to live in reality. If you find yourself wanting to fantasize about what could be or what you hope will be, stop. Remind yourself that you have made a commitment to live in truth. Even if you don’t choose to leave the relationship immediately, in the meantime you can at least remind yourself that you will stop fantasizing about what is not happening.

2. Live in real time. That means stop holding on to what “could” or “will” happen tomorrow. Notice what is happening in the moment. Notice how trapped you feel. Notice how unloved you feel and how you have compromised your self-respect and self-worth for this relationship. Pay attention to your emotions. Stop hoping and waiting, and start noticing in real time what is happening and how it is affecting you.

3. Live one decision at a time and one day at a time. Sometimes people scare themselves with all-or-nothing thinking. Don’t tell yourself things like, “I have to never talk to the toxic person again or else”; this is akin to trying to lose weight by telling yourself you can never eat chocolate again. While it is true that your relationship is an unhealthy one, you don’t need to make every encounter a do-or-die situation. Don’t scare yourself.

4. Make decisions that only support your self-care. That is, do not make any decision that hurts you. This goes for emotional “relapses” as well. If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in compassionate, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that you are a work in process and life is a journey. Do not make the uncaring decision to mentally beat yourself up. In every encounter you have with the object of your obsession, stop and think about each choice you make. Make choices that are only in your best interest.


If you find yourself feeling weak, don’t mentally berate yourself, but rather talk to yourself in kind, understanding, and reflective ways. Remind yourself that life is a journey.




5. Start feeling your emotions. Whenever you are away from the toxic person in your life and feel tempted to reach out to them for reassurance, stop. Consider writing your feelings down instead. Write whatever comes to you. For example, “I feel ____. I miss ____. I wish I could be with ____ right now, but I am going to sit and write my feelings down instead. I am going to teach myself how to feel my way through the obsession, rather than turning to ____.” This may help you to build inner strength. Learn to simply be with your emotions. You don’t need to run from them, hide from them, avoid them, or make them go away. Once you fully feel them, they may begin to subside. Remember: the only way out is through.

6. Learn to grieve. Letting go of a toxic relationship and breaking a traumatic bond may be one of the hardest things you ever have to do. You cannot do it without honoring the reality you are losing something very valuable to you.

7. Understand the “hook.” Identify what, exactly, you are losing. It may be a fantasy, a dream, an illusion. Perhaps your partner had convinced you into believing they were going to fulfill some deep, unmet need. Once you can identify what this need (or hook) is, you can get down to the business of grieving. Grieving means (figuratively) holding your hands open and letting it go. You say goodbye to the notion the need you have may never be met. At minimum, it will not be met by this relationship.

8. Write a list of bottom-line behaviors for yourself. Possible examples: “(1) I will not sleep with someone who calls me names. (2) I will not argue with someone who has been drinking. (3) I will take care of my own finances. (4) I will not have conversations with anyone when I feel desperate (or defensive, or obsessive, etc.).” Whatever your areas of concern, determine what you need to do to change and make those your bottom-line behaviors.

9. Build your life. Little by little, start dreaming about your future for yourself (and your children, if you have them); in other words, make dreams that don’t involve your traumatic partner. Maybe you want to go to school, start a hobby, go to church, or join a club. Start making life-affirming choices for yourself that take you away from the toxic interactions that have been destroying your peace of mind.

10. Build healthy connections. The only way to really free yourself from unhealthy connections is to start investing in healthy ones. Develop other close, connected, and bonded relationships that are not centered on drama. Make these your “go-to” people. It is extremely difficult to heal without support. Notice the people in your life who show you loving concern, and care and hang around with them as often as you can. Reach out for professional help as needed.
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Old 07-29-2018, 12:11 PM
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Leelee…..there are some practical, concrete things that you can do if you are really serious about wanting "help".....I say "really serious", because many people just want someone to magically take the pain away without having to do anything, themselves...lol...

one thing that helps (and, I have done this)...is to write down the top worst moments in the relationship and how it made you feel, at the time, on a piece of paper. Carry that paper on your person, at all times...and when you are missing him...read the list over....even if it is a dozen or more times a day! Even if it makes you cry.
Another thing, is to find an alanon group, right away...or, even better (for you)...call your local domestic abuse organization and ask to see their counselors or join their support group....
Face to face support from living, human people is very powerful....don't underestimate this.....

Also, begin to read and study the materials that are suggested, here....knowledge is power....study and read some, every single day.

Another thing is to cut off all contact...if you haven't, already.....any contact, whatsoever will increase your pain, all over again.

It is vital that you understand that you are grieving the loss of the fantasy of what you wanted the relationship to be...and, the first weeks to months of grieving is very, very painful. Three months is too soon for it to be over....grieving is the first part of healing...and, there is no pain-free way around it. I will gradually lessen...as you continue to heal....
So many people throw in the towel because they do not understand that the pain will gradually go away....
I call it the "short-term pain" for the "long term gain".....

Another thing...keep a very structured schedule...with exercise every day....
And....allow a certain time of day...say, nine o'clock, at night for example to grieve as hard as you can....about one hour, for example, to start with....cry, scream, allow yourself to be really sad....read over your list of bad things and write your feeling on paper (journaling)…..listen to sad music, etc....
Make sure to do this every day...at first....
(this is a form of what I like to call the "wailing wall" exercise.....

By doing these things...you can work yourself through the grieving process....and, you will laugh again, one day...and the sun will shine, and the sky will be blue and the birds will sing, again.....

***I do agree with the "trauma bonding"....that Mango speaks of...that is why I suggest that you call the domestic violence center and arrange support through them....
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Old 07-29-2018, 01:43 PM
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he was what you knew. habit. hardly no one is awful ALL the time.....that's why we get stuck IN abusive relationships......there is a cycle....and the GOOD them usually showed up immediately after the bad/abusive them got done. so we came to believe that if we could just survive the abuse, we'd get the caring, attentive, loving partner again.

only it never WAS truly caring or attentive or loving. because abuse is none of those. ever.

no abuse is ever worth a day of nice.

he is not worth it. not at all. let have him. and good luck with that.

it's time to start looking forward, not behind you. to what can be, not what was. the universe has such abundance......
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Old 07-29-2018, 01:51 PM
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Recovery is a program of action, not intellectualizing. Alanon helps me get out of my own head by living in the solution, not the problem. As an active alcoholic I drank to avoid my feelings. After getting sober codependency did the same thing: I focused on another person rather than dealing with my own issues.
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Old 07-29-2018, 02:16 PM
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I think it's natural to have the good things come back to the forefront, I think it's a natural protective measure. Who wants to dwell on the misery!

For instance if you broke your leg (and I hope you don't!) the pain of the incident would fade over time but you might remember how kind everyone was and the flowers you got from so and so and how everyone at work offered to get your coffee.

I agree with Dandylion's list approach and I have used it before and found it REALLY helpful. Once it's written down, in front of you it's not as painful to look at as you might think. I was hesitant to do it. I didn't WANT to write down all that bad stuff, but you know it actually made me feel better to write it out and reading it reinforced why I ended it - which also made me feel better.

So no, none of this is fun but having a few tools to cope is really helpful and you will see sunnier days.

Try (even though you might not feel like it) to do nice things for yourself that you find relaxing. Go ahead and get the manicure and pedicure. Buy new socks or if it's in the budget, a new shirt. Whatever might make you feel cheerful. Boost yourself up in little ways, it's not magic but it helps.

This thread (from the classic reading section in the stickies at the top of this forum) might help give you some ideas on brightening up your days as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...feel-like.html (HOW TO HAVE FUN ...WHEN YOU REALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE IT)
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Old 07-29-2018, 07:21 PM
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Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood was a real eye opener for me.

Sending hugs of support.
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Old 07-30-2018, 03:25 AM
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Thanks, everyone for your kind words and great suggestions.

We are definitely no contact as I have a permanent restraining order, issued by a judge after several hearings-the final hearing at which he ran out of the courthouse rather than face me and testify. He is not permitted to speak to me, be anywhere I am at, come on my property (I was given exclusive possession of the house). He has, of course, broken this several times, was arrested and processed at jail for one of them, and was remanded for rehab and given an additional sentence to be served and a fine.

So I started my list and then realized I could do one better, I could look at my phone and just note the days of the videos that I made of him being abusive and think about what was on those recordings. I don’t play them because it’s so triggering, but just knowing they were they, how many of them there were (and they didn’t get the entire attack or all of the attacks), helps me to realize how out of control things were. I’m also realizing that I disassociated a great deal to get through the abuse and survive. I’m also remembering the feelings I would have after the abuse, when I would do anything to leave (but couldn’t at the time). I remember the desperation at coming home to him so drunk he was swaying and his speech was slurred.

This exercise also helped me to realize what might be the trigger for my own feelings of wanting the drunk back in my house: when I saw him for the criminal hearing a few weeks ago, he was so debilitated. He has aged 15 years, lost probably around 40 pounds, his clothes were so big on him—and I remembered buying the light blue oxford shirt with him in May 2017. And while I would like to say this was caused by the upset with the demise of our relationship, I know it’s his drinking. The weight loss had already started before he was removed from the house. I realize he is drinking himself to death and that is sad. But it’s also his life and was his choice not to seek help. I asked that rehab be included in his plea deal, never thinking he would take it, and he did. But that was my last act of kindness to him...ever. My heart wants to help him—because I truly did love him and had tried so many times before. My brain knows he will never be in my life again, not as a friend, not as anything. He is an A abuser.

I’m going to engage in more self care this week and also plan some for the weekend. For whatever reason, the weekends seem to be the hardest for me to get through. I’m also downloading books on Kindle and reading more of the stickies.

You all are my rock. I’m living somewhere that I moved for a job and have no family and very few outside friends here—everyone was a mutual friend and only a few have seen me or spent any time with me since everything happened. Most people are seeing his outbursts now because he’s no longer at home directing them at me. Despite him saying that everything was always my fault, with him out there on his own, and his behavior getting worse, it’s obvious that he is the one responsible. I’m rewriting the script now and instead of showing my concern when someone talks about his drunken outbursts, all I can say is that it’s unfortunate and he is in control of his own behavior.

Hugs and thanks to all of you.
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Old 07-30-2018, 05:22 AM
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Leelee…..I am so glad, for you, that you seem to have started working on being proactive for yourself.....as this is going to really help you in your healing process...
The healing will come in stages and layers, and, sometimes, in fits and starts....
Make sure not to beat up on yourself or despair if it is not a perfectly straight line....it will zig/sag, sometimes....
Make sure to give yourself lots of time.....
for myself, I found that there is something mystical about the one year "anniversary"...….once you get over the hump of that anniversary...things tend to take on a past-history type of feeling.....While, during that first year...things tend to feel more present life...…..


I want to underline an
important thing.....about human connections....

It is such a powerful force for getting through dark times and healing from traumas.
For you...I think, this is especially important, since you are removed from your family and old friends, geographically....and, your immediate "friends" were mutual to him....
Don't avoid getting support from a counselor and/or support group from the domestic violence folks.....as they will be non-judgemental and very compassionate...and, will know about the wounds that being in a toxic and abusive relationship leaves....
Don't avoid the very thing that will help the most....
Lots of people do because of various reasons...like shame, social anxiety, etc.....

I think you are doing great....reaching out, here.....starting your list...being willing to read and study...etc.....
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:57 AM
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You need to make a list of all the things he did that hurt you. When you feel weak and start thinking what a great person he is, get that list out and re-read it. Follow your head, not your heart.

I am sorry you are hurting.
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:59 AM
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I know what you are talking about. As time goes by, I remember the good stuff. "The List" really helps- I read it and am astounded at the depth of abuse I accepted for so long. I wish there were some books out there about healing after abuse. I feel like I have a long way to go. I am well out of the situation- still wrestling with the financial and legal aspects.
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Old 07-30-2018, 08:06 AM
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Leelee, it sounds like you are doing great. You are really owning your recovery - taking active steps to get yourself through this painful time, not just waiting and hoping. I am really impressed by your insight. Sometimes your brain has to take the lead, and your heart will catch up in its own time.
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Old 07-30-2018, 08:10 AM
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You are making progress, not sure if you think you are but it seems obvious from what you write.

As for the videos, I guess my concern there is that it might be opening wounds for you? I have been in a relationship like that and nothing was ever recorded but I know I couldn't watch it. Well I could but that would be really hurtful (although at this point I would probably watch and think wth was I thinking lol).

The thing with a list is it's about you. It's about what you, personally, find unacceptable. For instance:

- When I would state I didn't want to do something would go on a tirade of how horrible I am and try to manipulate me.

- If we were having an argument he would always end up raising his hand as if he was about to hit me to get me to back off.

- Completely self-centered

- Would wait until everything was comfortable at home and my guard was down to start a fight.

This list is something that's saying to you - he did this and it's totally unacceptable to ME. So it's not only about what he did per-se it's about you and what you will not put up with from him or from anyone one else.

From that point of view it's empowering, these are not just your "what a terrible husband/boyfriend" you were. I think it is clear from what you have said that he was.

Hope this is helpful.
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:10 AM
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qtpi…..why do you think there are no books about healing after abuse?....If you go to amazon.com.....there are several books on healing after abuse....just type in "healing after abuse" in the book section...there are also lots of reviews on those books that you can read....
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
qtpi…..why do you think there are no books about healing after abuse?....If you go to amazon.com.....there are several books on healing after abuse....just type in "healing after abuse" in the book section...there are also lots of reviews on those books that you can read....
And what I like to do is find the book at my local library, read it, and THEN decide if I want to purchase it. Two great inexpensive options in addition to Amazon are Abe Books and Thrift Books (google for more info).

Up in the stickies section, where dandy is always asking people to go, there is a whole section dedicated to recovery books recommended by SR members. It's here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...d-members.html (Miscellaneous books recommended by the members.)

I often think with tremendous gratitude of those who went before us, back when Alanon meetings were only "word of mouth." Nowadays, we have help available via internet, telephone, chat room, forum, podcast and good old f2f meetings, not to mention that there is a plethora of books, CDs, DVDs, and YouTube videos on every recovery-related topic we could want.

There is a TON of help available, and it's not limited to what's in the Alanon bookstore, that's for sure! No, it's never easy to struggle w/addiction and all its associated problems, but I feel pretty confident in saying that we have far, far more resources available to us today than ever before.
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Old 07-30-2018, 10:46 AM
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What honeypig just said is so true! I can remember the time when help was not a few key strokes away.....
for all of the problems of the internet....there are also some wonderful benefits.....
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Old 08-02-2018, 10:26 AM
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I’m going to engage in more self care this week and also plan some for the weekend.


Sounds like great plans.

There's a new Tara Brach meditation out called "Saying Yes to Life".

Our habitual ways of avoiding unpleasant experience keep us from intimacy with our inner life and with each other. This talk helps us recognize these often unconscious patterns that keep us identified with a separate, threatened self, and offers guidance in saying “yes” to the life we encounter. As we release resistance, we discover the creativity, wisdom and love that express our unbound, true, nature.

Saying Yes to Life
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Old 08-02-2018, 09:33 PM
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Can anyone recommend a book on healing AFTER abuse? Haven't found anything. As time goes by, I do see my XAH was not only an alcoholic but abusive as well. I am still recovering from it. The article Mango posted is excellent!
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Old 08-03-2018, 09:35 AM
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qtpi…..I suggest "Life After Trauma" (second edition)...by Rosenbloom and Williams.....it is workbook style....
You can get it on amazon.com at a savings , if you get a used one....
There are several other similar books on amazon .com....and you can read the reviews of all the books, there...
As I suggested to you, in my last post (7/30/2018)....just go to amazon.com....and, in the book section...type in the words "healing after trauma" ...and you will see all of the books, in this category.....
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Old 08-03-2018, 10:00 AM
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I went to the library and got a book called It's My Life Now by Dugan, Meg about healing after domestic abuse- recommended by Lundy Bancroft.
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