You don’t have to live that life. It may help you to try and imagine that you read your posts as a third party. Would you tell that person to throw in the towel? I’m guessing no. You would want that person to feel love, compassion, and support. Not shame and self-hatred, two almost entirely unproductive emotions. Are you sure AA is not an option? Could you commit to posting here before you take a drink if you are tempted? You are worthy and capable of self-redemption if you want change more than you want your old life. Many hugs to you.