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I feel utterly wretched

Old 07-30-2018, 02:13 AM
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I feel utterly wretched

Hello SR.
I feel as though my world is imploding. I cant put in to words how much I despise myself.
I dont know whats happening anymore.....black outs every day.
I cant cope or carry on. I cant mix with people anymore, it just becomes a drunkfest. I really need your help. AA isnt an option for me.
I just want to feel normal again.
Thats it. Thats all I can manage. Its all too overwhelming this morning. I want it to be tommorow so that I can say 'I didnt drink yesterday'.
Thats al
C
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Old 07-30-2018, 02:16 AM
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I was at that point when I got here Cuckoo. I spent pretty much all day on here for the first few days - I reasoned all those days were days I wasn't drinking.

It wasn;t easy - in fact it was quite uncomfortable, but it wasn't impossible.

If you want change, make change.

Make today a non drinking day. If you've already started stop before you get in too deep.

If you're worried about withdrawal, see a Dr

no excuse is good enough if you really want change.

D
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Old 07-30-2018, 02:25 AM
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Like Dee said, I had to finally decide that change was more important than living (so to speak) like I was.

It isn't easy and we just have to start with that one day of not drinking, not worrying over the tomorrow that we want.

I didn't think AA was an option til it was the only one I had. Whether you do try it for real or not, IRL support is critical for most of us, especially if we get to the terribly sick point I reached.

Hope you stay with us and decide that being sober is worth everything.
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Old 07-30-2018, 02:30 AM
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Hi Cuckoo SR is a great resource. I was in your position less than 2 weeks ago. Deal with the physical issues first by stopping, that is where I am and physically at least feel well after 11 days AF. All the best.
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Old 07-30-2018, 02:34 AM
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Thank you everyone. I dont feel physically ill (apart from the occasional twinges near my liver). I just feel drained of any hope or desires in life. I feel like my soul has been stolen from me it that makes sense.
C
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Old 07-30-2018, 02:51 AM
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Are you drinking now and if not, how long since your last drink? You feel so horrible because alcohol is a depressant and makes one feel hopeless. We have all been there. You have taken the first step by posting here. Stick around here and throw out any alcohol in the house.
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Old 07-30-2018, 03:05 AM
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Its mid morning here in UK and I am at work for the day. My drinking usually starts at 5pm ish although lately I have been sneaking the odd one earlier.
Whatever else I do tonight, one thing is for sure. I WILL NOT TOUCH A DROP. I cant, its killing me and its killing my close relationships.
Strength to anyone else out there who is in pain and struggling too.
C
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Old 07-30-2018, 03:14 AM
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Donít rule out any recovery methods. If youíre an alcoholic you may need all the help you can get to stay sober. Stopping is the easy part, staying stopped and being happy about staying stopped is the bit that takes all of the real work.

Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are key.
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Old 07-30-2018, 03:25 AM
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Check in as often as possible and don't give up. Commit to your sobriety by the hour- do whatever it takes. This is what will allow SR to help you. If you start to feel an urge, make a thread about it and you will get help. Do that as often as you need to! It's what I did in the beginning and it worked.

You don't have to life like this anymore- that pain is awful- I remember it like it was yesterday. Make a different choice today and you will wake up tomorrow with 1 day of sobriety under your belt. Do this for YOU.
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Old 07-30-2018, 03:31 AM
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Thank you everyone. Its just so overwhelming. I guess thats why it has to be small steps at a time.
I eant to be a nice normal person not this selfish, poisoned wretch tgst I seem to have become.
Sorry but I am not in a good place today. Messed up at the weekend (again) badly. More shame, regret, detective work....blah, blah, blah 😕
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Old 07-30-2018, 04:56 AM
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I had family over on Saturdayfir my daughters birthday. Put lots if effort in to decorating the garden, food etc. Husband went out to pick up a relative and of course that was my chance to knock back a load of wine before everyone arrived. I dont remember anything after about the first two hours. I dont know if I cleared up afterwards or if someone hepled me. The washing up was all done. Garden furniture was tidied. Someone had left their car at ours and taken a taxi home. I dont remember that. I dont remember ANYONE leaving.
My mum told me the next day that I shouldnt drink as I was drunk for the whole time. I am gutted, I wanted to enjoy the day.
Checked my fone this morning (monday) and I had a 15 minute phone call with someone at 8.15 last night and have no memory of it. I just keep doing it, day after day.
Re thinking my whole life now. Its gone beyond a joke
C
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Old 07-30-2018, 05:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
I had family over on Saturdayfir my daughters birthday. Put lots if effort in to decorating the garden, food etc. Husband went out to pick up a relative and of course that was my chance to knock back a load of wine before everyone arrived. I dont remember anything after about the first two hours. I dont know if I cleared up afterwards or if someone hepled me. The washing up was all done. Garden furniture was tidied. Someone had left their car at ours and taken a taxi home. I dont remember that. I dont remember ANYONE leaving.
My mum told me the next day that I shouldnt drink as I was drunk for the whole time. I am gutted, I wanted to enjoy the day.
Checked my fone this morning (monday) and I had a 15 minute phone call with someone at 8.15 last night and have no memory of it. I just keep doing it, day after day.
Re thinking my whole life now. Its gone beyond a joke
C
Yeah, I appreciate your honesty, but I agree with you that its time to quit. When you think about it, you're really not living "life". Your existing and not remembering much of it. You won't regret quitting and we will help you.
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Old 07-30-2018, 05:50 AM
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You don’t have to live that life. It may help you to try and imagine that you read your posts as a third party. Would you tell that person to throw in the towel? I’m guessing no. You would want that person to feel love, compassion, and support. Not shame and self-hatred, two almost entirely unproductive emotions. Are you sure AA is not an option? Could you commit to posting here before you take a drink if you are tempted? You are worthy and capable of self-redemption if you want change more than you want your old life. Many hugs to you.
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:27 AM
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Thankyou everyone for the good advice. I really do feel that my world has become so small. I dont have any interests and I dont socialise really. Feel like I am spinning down a plug hole........fast.
C
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:35 AM
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Cuckoo, nothing has changed since you came here almost a year ago. And you know, it won't change until you make some changes. Just acknowledging the problem and having a resolve to stop is a good start, but it's not been enough so far and it's never going to BE enough.

Time to get a recovery plan perhaps?

You deserve better. So far you have lost some important parts of yourself, but you still have your job, home and family. So many people think that they're not in danger of losing these things- until they do. Alcoholism is progressive. It is cunning and baffling, and like the tide it can be stealthy. Alone it can be too much for us to take on. Please, do take some action. It may require you to become willing to do things you have been previously unwilling to do.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.

BB
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:37 AM
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I can totally relate and know how bad you feel right now but today is a new day . There is nothing you can do about yesterday that will change anything so just move forward . You can do it !
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:43 AM
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Dear Cuckoo - You sound so disgusted & fed up. That's a good thing. Embrace it - maybe write down your thoughts so you won't forget how awful you're feeling. This is exactly how I felt before I quit for the last time. That was over 10 yrs. ago. I was finally convinced that I could never touch a drop - or embarrassing, unpredictable, even dangerous things would happen. Every time.

You can do it, Cuckoo - we all understand how you're feeling, & we're with you.
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Old 07-30-2018, 07:04 AM
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Hiya Cuckoo - I so could have written your post. I have been where you are (not so long ago).
You can do this. I'm on day 2.....I also so desperately wanted to say "I didn't drink yesterday".

Don't pick up that drink tonight ….. you don't need it ….
Check into SR lots.
Sending you big hugs
x
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Old 07-30-2018, 07:14 AM
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Thank you all. Makes me feel quite emotional. I will be checking back in tommorow with a full 24 hours crap free !!
C
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Old 07-30-2018, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Cuckoo View Post
AA isnt an option for me.
Why do you say this?
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