Thanks, everyone for your kind words and great suggestions.
We are definitely no contact as I have a permanent restraining order, issued by a judge after several hearings-the final hearing at which he ran out of the courthouse rather than face me and testify. He is not permitted to speak to me, be anywhere I am at, come on my property (I was given exclusive possession of the house). He has, of course, broken this several times, was arrested and processed at jail for one of them, and was remanded for rehab and given an additional sentence to be served and a fine.
So I started my list and then realized I could do one better, I could look at my phone and just note the days of the videos that I made of him being abusive and think about what was on those recordings. I don’t play them because it’s so triggering, but just knowing they were they, how many of them there were (and they didn’t get the entire attack or all of the attacks), helps me to realize how out of control things were. I’m also realizing that I disassociated a great deal to get through the abuse and survive. I’m also remembering the feelings I would have after the abuse, when I would do anything to leave (but couldn’t at the time). I remember the desperation at coming home to him so drunk he was swaying and his speech was slurred.
This exercise also helped me to realize what might be the trigger for my own feelings of wanting the drunk back in my house: when I saw him for the criminal hearing a few weeks ago, he was so debilitated. He has aged 15 years, lost probably around 40 pounds, his clothes were so big on him—and I remembered buying the light blue oxford shirt with him in May 2017. And while I would like to say this was caused by the upset with the demise of our relationship, I know it’s his drinking. The weight loss had already started before he was removed from the house. I realize he is drinking himself to death and that is sad. But it’s also his life and was his choice not to seek help. I asked that rehab be included in his plea deal, never thinking he would take it, and he did. But that was my last act of kindness to him...ever. My heart wants to help him—because I truly did love him and had tried so many times before. My brain knows he will never be in my life again, not as a friend, not as anything. He is an A abuser.
I’m going to engage in more self care this week and also plan some for the weekend. For whatever reason, the weekends seem to be the hardest for me to get through. I’m also downloading books on Kindle and reading more of the stickies.
You all are my rock. I’m living somewhere that I moved for a job and have no family and very few outside friends here—everyone was a mutual friend and only a few have seen me or spent any time with me since everything happened. Most people are seeing his outbursts now because he’s no longer at home directing them at me. Despite him saying that everything was always my fault, with him out there on his own, and his behavior getting worse, it’s obvious that he is the one responsible. I’m rewriting the script now and instead of showing my concern when someone talks about his drunken outbursts, all I can say is that it’s unfortunate and he is in control of his own behavior.
Hugs and thanks to all of you.