Originally Posted by
bunchie 
I think so, I need to look in mirror and tell myself I am the cause, it's not predisposed, people use that as a crutch, I need to own up to myself and right my ship. Thank you
I noticed you started a thread with a title along the lines of "I find the big book confusing."
I think it's a great statement and an important one. I also think it's related to some of what you are asking here. You are really trying to understand and get your arms around it and I applaud you for it. Something to think about though - get very hyper focused on:
Step 1 is about denial.
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
In my humble, unprofessional opinion, regardless of whether or not a person ends up sticking with AA or some other means of staying sober. Until you make this one simple realization - like, really admit it and let go of the b.s. - there's nothing but confusion and trouble ahead.
For me, the instant I accept this the question of why? immediately became unimportant. Some questions don't have answers. Some questions don't need answers.
I drink, bad stuff happens. I have no control over booze. It makes my life completely unmanageable. I don't care why. I care that I don't do that to myself ever again... starting with today.
Best-
B