Originally Posted by
venuscat 
Gosh I relate to that....an identity I feel safe with.
But for me, I realised it was even more than that....it was about the fear....as you said....because if I was going to be sober then I had to find out who I was all over again. Like I was 16 again, but worse, because there was all of this guilt and shame that I should have known better.
But those are the emotions we (me for sure) drink on....let those flood and the next thing I know it is "poor me, pour me drink". (AA saying). Yep....it's not easy....still.....I am still a baby on this journey, so much to learn and change, so many miles to walk before I am where I want to be.
So we can be afraid, or we can be empowered. Look at how much we have been able to do collectively.....I love hearing more of bim's story. Mostly because your strength always shines through bim....always. And this gives me strength.
I ran a long way from my family....other side of the world....they were killing me. I needed to do that in order to find my way. I hope that my sister will meet me halfway, or any of the way and be my friend again one day, but that's her stuff, her journey. She is still very angry with me for leaving the way I did....I just went.
This post was supposed to go somewhere but I don't know where. Ha.
Love you Gabe.
♥♥
Thanks Suze, this helped a lot. I'm feeling a bit better. I can't get angry and blame everyone for something I've created (well at least partly) and I can't take responsibility for fixing or changing the relationships they have with each other....
It just really hit me today how much I still fear rejection from them all and that I still seek approval, to be helpful/needed/special. I still can't be authentic and that has made me feel really awful today but I think I know what to do with that. I just can't be around them all too much..
I'm glad I wrote myself that letter, I've been thinking about drinking again and reading my own pain sorted those thoughts out pretty quickly.
I hope things heal between you and your sister. As you said, we are all on our own journeys and maybe she can let the anger go. Love you too Suze and I'm glad I am part of this SR family we have