Lunchbox,
You are a beautiful child of God and are in an abusive relationship. Your addict will say anything and do anything he wants, as he is a very sick man. You are trying to analyse what he is saying to you. There is no rhyme or reason to what he says, he is sick. Your worth is not based on what he says to you or your kids!!
Your self esteem is so low living in an abusive environment. You are worthy of respect and dignity. You are worthy of love and compassion. I am assuming you and the kids are not receiving any of that in your home. I know that you can "absorb" the abuse that he is throwing at you, but your kids shouldn't have to see it. At some point we are doing a disservice to our children by staying in the marriage. We feel that a "home" is better with two parents then one. I would disagree with that, as I lived it. I would recommend you going on the forum adult children of alcoholics on SR. Read the forum from people who witness stuff as kids and adults that they should never had seen. Read the comments from people who wished the "healthy" parent had left and not looked back, but they didn't. There becomes a point that the home environment is toxic, and your kids will eventually be traumatized by it. You might get a call from a social worker or a parent that your kid opened up too. Be their advocate, and do your best to leave this abusive home. They know, they see and hear everything. We are always trying to shield them from the mess, but they know. Just ask them....
You are not the only one living in the chaos of your home. Please seek support from the DV hotline Dandy posted. It is confidential, they will not call you back, they will just listen and help you seek some assistance. I know that you might not feel it is abusive, but we all do.
You have had enough strength to post on SR. You can reach out for assistance. You and your kids deserve so much more. Just because someone in your family has substance abuse and mental illness, they do not have the right to take you all "down" by their mental issues. Please reach out for support for you and your kids, you deserve to be healthy and safe and so do they. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))