Lunchbox.....a book that is highly recommended, on this forum, is "Why does He Do That?: Inside The Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men"....by Lundy Bancroft. It has become a sort of classic....You can get it on amazon. com or from your library.....
I highly recommend it for you. I think that it may answer a lot of questions for you.....and I think it will resonate, a lot, with you.....