Thank you everyone for your replies and being so lovely! Just receiving some caring and genuine words feels so good and it totally overwhelmed me. Lately I even felt cared about and somewhat happy when after asking my ex in a desperate message if he not maybe could be there at least a little bit because I feel so bad, if he doesn't feel to bad, he then replied something along the lines of "no but I hope you're okay"...
I had totally forgotten how much SR can give me the feeling of belonging somewhere.
I spend the last hour reading through my old posts and I realised how much more positive I remember my relationship than it actually was. So many posts where I say that I am worried that he wants to break up with me, so many times where I complain about him not working on himself, not wanting to change for the relationship but expecting me to. So many times where I feel like I can't talk openly with him about how I feel cause it might upset him. I guess this wasn't a good relationship for me. And I also realised how much more help and stability I got from SR and even AA, I relied so much on posting here daily in the first few month of my recovery and it was such a big help. I kind of remembered it being mostly him supporting me and while he did a lot of that in the beginning he was by far not the only help. Which is good to know and it helped me to feel a little less lost now without him.
And it's touching to see that some people even remember me after all this time!
Free that are wise words of you about love... I am just holding on because I worry that I may no longer feel like I felt with him when things go well. And that maybe I will find a way to make this relationship work and go well all the time. It's quite much like we do it with the drink, isn't it? Only living for the good moments, denying the bad ones and fooling ourselves that one day we will be able to have only the good moments of the drinking without the hangovers, blackouts or withdrawals....
Thanks for your lovely words Willow. And thanks for pointing me towards that minions post. It's something I need to accept and understand. He may not have given me nothing but he couldn't give me the stability and reliability that I want. And his words always sounded better than his actions. And he definitely doesn't want to change for our relationship.
It made me quite sad to see in my old posts that I have been suffering so long in this relationship already, always hoping for a change. Thinking if I only get better, he would appreciate me more. It's a good reality check, kind of.
Venus, thank you for all your sweet words and also for remembering me!
I also study but I'm still stuck doing my bachelor. I think I'm not very good at studying. I just hope I'll be able to finish with some kind of success. I've already put in so much time but my motivation is low. To be honest I am doing it because my dad expects me to, it's not really what I want but then I don't even know what that would be...
Thanks Phoenix and hi goat!!
And thanks everyone for being here! <3