Hi everyone
Courage - A big challenge for me in sobriety has been feeling my emotions. Drinking was one way I avoided them. Also after peeling that away, I realizedanger, fear, and stress kept my feelings at a safe distance, as did pushing people away who were part of what I felt.
This past week I had to deal with my mother’s craziness. She has had problems with money and spending my whole life. Now she’s in a position where she needs a car but has no money, terrible credit, and no source of income outside of social security. I’ve completely ignored her whining about wanting a car like I ignore how she wants clothes, shoes, iPads, flat screen TVs, etc.
The a couple weekends ago I got a call from her at a car dealer and she was going to buy a car with the same number of miles as she has on her current car, but it’s 10 years newer, and it’s going to require a car loan!! The salesman told her that in 6 months her credit will be improved so she could lease a new car!! She called her friend and her brother who both recommended she move forward with this deal!!
I was able to convince her not to move ahead, and ultimately offered to co-sign a lease for her. With the boundary that if she misses one payment the car goes back and she is without transportation. Period.
Honestly, as her only child, I’d be stuck driving her places - so there is a little something in this for me.
I had a terrible head cold that felt like the flu and was prepping for vacation. Never mind that - she called me to talk about cars and ask when we were going to go!! Boundary. We will look after my vacation. Another boundary. You need to look at all deals in a 30 mile radius and find the best deal. You also need to check used car/slightly prepared deals.
So I get back and she “needs” to go after my first day back to work. It worked out for me so I went.
We picked out a car, and I floated her a down payment. She then said that she’d have her brother just write me a check later in the week because it would be easier for her. Boundary. Her brother is flighty and the minute he hears someone else could float it he won’t pay her. I want her to get it before she picks up the car, not afterward. She doesn’t want to because it’s inconvenient. I get a flurry of texts that I don’t see about this and the final text says “disregard other texts, I got the money.”
The point of this long winded story is I had a lot of feelings while it was happening. I tried to inventory my feelings on the spot - instead of being angry. I feel insecure that my mom is financially insecure. I feel sad too. I feel insecure that my mom uses other poor decision makers as her “sounding board.” I feel insecure that she put herself in such a vulnerable position to nearly agree to the first deal, which was a disaster. I feel betrayed and not cared for that she didn’t appreciate my boundaries and needs when I was sick and preparing for vacation. I feel betrayed that she’d risk not getting the money from her brother because it was inconvenient for her to drive to his house to get it.
Yesterday when I was not feeling super great due to a stomach thing. She was pressuring me about making plans to go to her brother’s 70th birthday party today. I told her I didn’t know if my husband and kids were going and I wouldn’t make plans tilI I knew whether this stomach thing was going to pass and she said, “Why doesn’t anyone like my family?”
I just said, please stop saying that. Boundary. I felt like that was a very bold thing to say, and she didn’t appreciate the things I’d done to help her this week.
Stating my feelings is so much more peaceful than being angry. It took me a while to do it though. This is the first time I’ve said something about it. It took a long time because these conversations tend to lead to me dredging up everything she’s done to hurt me. That is not healthy or peaceful.
One good thing. This is the first time I can say one good thing too. She admitted to me she felt crazed when the first deal was happening and she thanked me for talking her out of it. (Usually she is resentful and tells me why I’m a jerk when I try to do that, and says I owe HER an apology).
Thanks for listening, POSTies. How does someone get as socially and emotionally damaged as her? She has anxiety and late in life (mid 50’s) discovered she has MS. Is there another thing at play that I don’t see?