dawnrising….there is also another saying that I think applies here...."You cannot look to the person who hurts you to heal you"...….
Love is not supposed to hurt....
No doubt, you are grieving. It sounds like grieving....to me. You are entitled to that....in fact, grieving must be done...it is, actually the first step toward healing.
It won't always feel like this....there will come a time when you will laugh, again....