dawnrising

There is a quote "When someone shows you who they are believe them". My sister used thus quote with me today to provide me comfort but its not comforting at all. My AH has shown me two completely different ends of the spectrum and thats why I am struggling so very much today. This divorce process is so unsettling. One minute he is cold and unfeeling, and the next moment he is kind and helpful, it is so disorienting. The same person who wants to help me today is the one who has hurt me to my very core in such personal ways. How do you reconcile these feelings of confusion and disbelief? I feel like if I assume the worst I protect myself from manipulation but it also changes my moment to moment view of life, if I trust or believe what I am being told I set myself for so much more pain if untrue. I wish I could just take a couple of years to recover but life keeps moving and I am stuck.

AnvilheadII

there is what they SHOW us
and what they TELL us

you aren't in the divorce process because he is a "nice and kind" person. in fact i suspect he does the "nice guy" thing just to throw you off base, get you second guessing.

it's time to quit reacting to everything HE does. or says. so he's nice, for once. big deal. how many times has he been a jackass? so he now today, in the midst of a divorce, suddenly finds the capacity to act like a decent human being for 13 minutes. whoop di do.

dandylion

dawnrising….there is also another saying that I think applies here...."You cannot look to the person who hurts you to heal you"...….

Love is not supposed to hurt....

No doubt, you are grieving. It sounds like grieving....to me. You are entitled to that....in fact, grieving must be done...it is, actually the first step toward healing.
It won't always feel like this....there will come a time when you will laugh, again....

WhiteFeathers

Wise words. Thank you.

mamabear26

Dawnrising, I have been struggling with thing. I am going through a divorce as well. I sometimes see the man in fell in love with then the very next day I see Mr. Hyde. If he truly loved you he wouldn't cause so much pain. Intentionally hurting a person who has been there for you and took care of you is not love. Stay strong.

CarryOn

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters. To build on what dandy said about love is not supposed to hurt...I found I had to pay attention to how I felt following our interactions. Even though he would say he loved me and other nice things, they were not backed up by his actions or other behaviors. He didn’t ask how I was or care to listen to me, he didn’t prioritize time with me, and disregarded what I asked of him. I did not feel loved by him any longer...not in the way he once had and not in the way I wanted to be. I felt very empty and alone. Big hugs...you’re going to be okay.

BoxinRotz

I get the same Jeckyll n Hyde from my AH who is on his way to being my EX HUSBAND!!! It's pretty crazy how you ignore text coming through saying, I love You! I'm so sorry I have done this to us again! I will stop if you want me to! We are meant to be together! (Did you you guys see that quack in there... little quiz lol) And as the text progress, they go from all the hope in the world to a crazed lunatic... I know you're effing Someone! Who are you with! I want to meet him! Are you done effing your boyfriend you effing sk*nk?! You will never find a man who treated you like i did! I gave you everything you own! You never contributed to this house! You used me!!!

Now... I could go on and on and on but why should I? I keep all these text because I could use them for a restraining order someday If he ever finds me. I can tell you this, 90% of the time that we were married, he's been a drunk. Why would he change? He wouldn't because in my newness to alcoholism in 2010 (thanks to him)... I became his enabler (I had no idea what I was doing) and he will go through great lengths to keep it that way. I am a pawn in his game of life to get drunk!

Sasha1972

I think what he is showing you about who he is that he is the kind of person who can switch from being wonderful-and-kind to being nasty-and-abusive. It doesn't really matter which is these ends of the spectrum is the "real" him, the important thing is that he is unpredictable and extreme in his behavior, for good or for bad. He hangs out on the ends of the spectrum, in other words.

trailmix

My opinion is you put up some defenses. From the description you give it's kind of like you are just being tossed around in an emotional wind storm.

I understand what you mean about how it changes your moment to moment view of life. While my experience may not be the same as yours I know that when I am trying to reconcile something like this I can actually view other people differently. Generally not those close to me but the world at large (and it's not a pretty view).

I've discovered that my feelings about the world are really a reflection of how I'm feeling about myself. If my self-esteem and confidence is knocked then people become a threat rather than just other, potentially very nice, people that are of zero threat to me. They are no threat because I am standing my ground. I am who I am and nothing they do, or say can change that. I don't even consciously have to think that, it is just a normal way of being when I am standing my ground.

You are going through a very emotional time and you are finding your way and you are healing so your self-confidence is probably not all it normally would be. You know he is a liar, you know that for a fact. So perhaps when he is being kind etc you look at him or listen to him and think - you are a liar. Because that is what he is.

Anyway, this is getting long but the bottom line is you won't always feel this way and putting up some defenses to this person that has hurt you and lied to you will get you through this. As your confidence rises your view of the world will become better.

dawnrising

Good Lord you just blew my mind. Spot on! Thank you

qtpi

I look at my XAH this way- there was the nice, kind, caring man I fell in love with- who slipped away as the years passed. There was his other side- drunk and selfish. And a third side- maybe withdrawing- angry, critical, mean accusing. These were his three sides- and waiting fir number one kept me there for years. Plus he was manipulative.