Hi Spring,
Like you, I've taken an age to understand that I can't drink now. I tried the moderation, switching drinks, never have it in the house etc .....
None of the above worked, and they never will. It's taken nearly 3 decades for that message to self to actually get through. Now I don't know exactly what the true definition of 'alcoholic' is, and to some extent I never wanted to in case somebody labelled me with it. But there's plenty of other shameful tags out there that are far worse.
All is know is that drinking has hurt me, and it sounds like it's hurt you too. Recognise it for the b@st%rd it is.
All the very best in your recovery,
Johnnie.