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Romancing the thought of getting loaded.

Old 06-21-2018, 01:19 PM
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Romancing the thought of getting loaded.

Hello everyone, hope all finds you well.

I have been sober for 48 days from a 5th of vodka daily for 14 months.

Prior to vodka i drank a 12 pack of beer for 3 years daily.

I have been a drinker for 38 years.

I became a daily drinker 7 years ago, prior years i drank 5-10 times a month.

I have relapsed over 10 times in the past 7 years, sober for 5-7 days at times, a couple times sober 45 days.

I know it's time to quit the booze forever.

I am taking it day by day, easy does it, staying busy, the thought of booze has come back in the last week.

I am feeling better little by little daily.

I always wonder why i go back to drinking after starting to feel better, it's insanity to repeat drinking again, hoping it will be different.

I need to figure out why i drink alcohol in excess when the result are the same, it only gets worst as i get older.

Does anyone here understand why i repeat this destructive pattern other than likely being an alcoholic.

I have lost everything over the last 8 years.

I keep thinking romancing the thought of getting loaded over last week?

What are your thoughts?
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Old 06-21-2018, 01:37 PM
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For me it were patterns associated with avoidance and an protracted adolescence. Whether my patterns developed from my family of origin or were genetic, a mix most likely, they served me and made me who I am.

But the same patterns turned against me later in life - and I continued to act like a child and to avoid - using booze as my tool, my crutch and my altar.

I think so much of the romancing comes from the old patterns that we have to go into, explore and then break free from. I feel like I finally just grew up.
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Old 06-21-2018, 01:51 PM
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It is the BIG question. I don't know why drinking thoughts return but long time quitters tell me it fades. Time cures all wounds sort of...never entirely but drinking thoughts get fewer and fewer as newer habits and ways to cope emerge. Alcoholism manifests itself differently in different people so it can be hard to give yourself the label as long as you want the option to drink in the future. The only way not to suffer the consequences of excess drinking is not to drink at all. If you are only quitting for now, then the quit will come to an end and the accidental excess drinking will return.
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Old 06-21-2018, 05:53 PM
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Hi Springforward

I dunno about others here but I confused abstinence for control a lot of times.
I thought that not drinking for however many days it was meant that I might be able to be a normal drinker now.

It never worked out like that.

I obsessed about drinking because I was an alcoholic - I'm not sure its necessary to go any deeper than that - at least not now.

It took a few months for me not to want to run to the bottle every time something upset my normal life, and it took a few months for my head to clear.

That was the time for deep thinking, not before IMO..

For me the solution was get sober and stay sober - simple and effective but not always easy.

Thats where the support in places like SR come into it

D
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:02 PM
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For me it was a a never ending cycle. Feel terrible and anxious in the morning. Swear on my life that I would never drink again. By late afternoon I would begin to forget how bad it was and by late evening I would say what the hell and have a drink. Went on for months, years, decades. My addicted brain could convince me of most anything.
From what I’ve read and learned here at SR many alcoholics behave this way. I realized there were so many people like me and I wasn’t alone in this crazy daily nightmare.

The good news is the cycle can be broken. The pain and anxiety will go away. I learned to recognize that it was my AV and I needed to ignore it at all costs. I promise you can do it if you want to badly enough. It truely is worth the effort.
Remember your not alone, we are here with you. We are just like you. You can beat this my friend. Many here have.😅
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Old 06-21-2018, 06:07 PM
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**IF** I were to drink again..it'd be the exact same "reason' I drank last time; TO GET DRUNK! I've learned I don't like that guy(neither do my family/friends),so..I skip out on that now.
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Old 06-21-2018, 11:42 PM
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I would suggest reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous. You will find yourself and your problem described quite well in chapter 3, More About Alcoholism.
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Old 06-22-2018, 03:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Springforward View Post
Does anyone here understand why i repeat this destructive pattern other than likely being an alcoholic.
1. Regardless of the reason, the solution is the same: stop drinking
2. You'll never (ever, ever) discover the reason until you stop drinking.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.
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Old 06-22-2018, 03:22 AM
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I too lost everything due to thinking I could just have a bit of vodka, and step away from reality for a little.

I'm about a year and 48 days sober, and I wish I could show just a minute of the superb reality you can have if you just stick with quitting a bit longer. Driving through the summer landscape this morning, under a huge sky, watching the buzzards shimmering overhead in the heat haze. Oh man. I'm alive. Truly alive. Not fake alive with that poison running through my veins.

The vodka is way too big for people like me to fight alone. By the time we arrive here, we are so much sicker than we think we are. If I romance the vodka, it will smile at me for about 2 seconds, then it will drag me into to the shadows, alone, and it will kill me.
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Old 06-22-2018, 03:25 AM
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Hi Spring,

Like you, I've taken an age to understand that I can't drink now. I tried the moderation, switching drinks, never have it in the house etc .....

None of the above worked, and they never will. It's taken nearly 3 decades for that message to self to actually get through. Now I don't know exactly what the true definition of 'alcoholic' is, and to some extent I never wanted to in case somebody labelled me with it. But there's plenty of other shameful tags out there that are far worse.
All is know is that drinking has hurt me, and it sounds like it's hurt you too. Recognise it for the b@st%rd it is.

All the very best in your recovery,
Johnnie.
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Old 06-22-2018, 03:30 AM
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Well said Weaverbird - Voldermort Vodka has beat me up many a time too
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Old 06-23-2018, 06:03 AM
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Hi SF, how are you feeling today?
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Old 06-23-2018, 06:28 AM
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"Voldermort Vodka" - HAHAHAHA! I love that and found it oh so true in my drinking life, up to the very end.

I'm another person who'd wish my life on anyone, and everyone. Everything good that is my life is here because I got sober. Period. And that includes the un-fun stuff that every human on the planet gets to deal with - because I have a clear head, no illusions that i could EVER drink again, and a recovery plan that backdrops my life.
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Old 06-23-2018, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by WeaverBird View Post
Driving through the summer landscape this morning, under a huge sky, watching the buzzards shimmering overhead in the heat haze. Oh man. I'm alive. Truly alive. Not fake alive with that poison running through my veins.
This is great stuff!

We all know what alcohol has done to us, but fail to realize how great life will be without it unless we give it time.
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