I can see you have some deep ambivalence about some people sweetichick.
I felt that way too when I was drinking and for a while after - I both loved someone and resented them for other things.
I was emotionally closed off and even cold.
I didn't want to be that way,
I don't think you want to be that way either.
Change is possible
In any case it makes any idea about drinking over this guy a non-starter so that's a good thing
D