Originally Posted by
fini 
"I have a sponsee who harmed herself by replaying old resentments, by letting family members manipulate and abuse her, by taking to heart what her ex husband says about her, by sabotaging her career, by blaming herself for stuff she shouldn't blame herself for, by allowing her mind to get lost in self-pity, self-hate, etc. I don't know how to help her with that. "
this, i think, falls into the category of needing outside help.
i understand steps 8/9 to be about others we have harmed, and in making amends yes, we benefit and "healing" can happen for us too, of course.
it is inherent in cleaning up the wreckage.
Thank you so much, Fini. She seems to be focusing on things that weren't really harms, too, and I'm not sure how to have her proceed if she really thinks they are.
but i did not include myself on that list of people to make amends to. though in my meeting and group that is very common, personally i find it self- centered.
This is where I think it gets confusing with alcoholics versus alcoholics with depression. I get the feeling that alcoholics act out, whereas alcoholics with depression act in.
Amends to self, in that case, would be to stop beating herself up, going down the rabbit hole of depression, negative thoughts, etc., no?
and unless you are a trained helper, i don't see how you could know how to help someone with all that you describe there,other than listening well, being empathetic, maybe being an example of how to handle things differently and applying " the principles"...... but i don't expect myself to be able to help with those kinds of issues on a deeper level.
It's important to me to always have a healthy line between what a sponsor's job is, and what isn't. I always tell my sponsees that. I have no trouble saying "I think this is something you should discuss with a therapist" or "I am not a mental health professional." I will not make the same horrible mistake my own former sponsor and others in my former home group made with me. It was extremely harmful.
There's a woman who I didn't sponsor, because I knew I honestly couldn't handle her issues. But I remained as part of her network and often checked in with her. I was very concerned with her. The other people in my home group refused to work with her and were rather harsh about it, because they thought she was in "drama". They blew her off by sternly saying "I don't have time", etc.
I clearly saw that this wasn't a woman in drama, but a woman with mental health issues in trauma who needed help from professionals. The person who did agree to work with her, barely instructed her and gave her maybe 2 minutes of time a week. When this freaked her out, I gently tried to steer her back to her IOP and therapist. I seriously felt like step work was the wrong thing for her right now, but I didn't say that. In fact I've never thought that about anyone, until I met her.
There's way too much emphasis in AA as treating everyone as being "selfish, self-centered, self-seeking", etc. when in actuality a lot of people just have mental health issues on top of their alcoholism.