This is one of those forks in the road. You can really do a number on your life and wreck everything you've worked for or you can do the right thing and not relapse. I PROMISE you 100% that you'll regret the relapse.
This sobriety thing gets harder and harder every time we give up and in and willingly throw in the towel.
So you have a huge decision to make. This is where if you relapse, you know 100% it was premeditated and you'll know exactly how it happened. This is you getting ready to figuratively jump out of a moving car and hope you don't get hurt.
I remember one time really early on, i started to plan a relapse. One of the things I was taught to do in therapy is to go look in the mirror and tell myself exactly what i was going to do. It's a way to step outside of yourself and see if you're actually willing to believe whatever bulls#it you're peddling to yourself.
I don't think I got beyond the few first words before I realized how F'ing stupid I was being.
Do the right thing.
Drunk dreams come and go...so do the waves of paranoia and worry. We're not machines...we ebb and flow constantly....unless we drink ...then it's all s#it.