Hi Atlantis,
You shared a lot of information about your husband's history that included numerous times you have had him placed in protective custody for his own safety and your family as well as his inability to stay sober, keep a job and be faithful to you in your marriage.
As having been in a marriage for 7 years with a chronic relapser and serial cheater I can share some experience strength and hope. For the kids sake I took him back twice after catching him cheating (they were very small and had no idea of any of his issues) but the third time it was over for me and I divorced him. He ended up spiraling into deep addiction with his addictive girlfriend and he died two years ago and he cheated and broke up marriages until the day he died.
Trust. Serial cheaters that have an addiction history is sometimes a switched addiction... and sex addiction is just as difficult to break off as substance use disorder.
But don't kid yourself... your husband left home and moved in with a lady with less than a year (if true) that is on probation because her old man died in her bed because he took HER fentanyl? This is the blind leading the blind... and he needs to be accountable for those decisions because he is the Captain of his ship and his family!
If he were interested in authentic recovery a bed in a halfway house where there is real accountability and only men might have been a wiser course of action don't you think? Reminds me of the Garden when Adam blames God for giving him woman who offers the apple. Self-control anyone?
He cheated. He lied. He blamed the woman. You are half buying into it because it doesn't feel as bad to let him back into the fold.
But what now? What is he doing to get better? Counseling? Drug testing to show that he is 100% squeaky clean? Have a sponsor? Do the steps? Going to meetings?
HOw is the dad report card?
I am ACOA. Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My childhood was a trainwreck and it messed up every single child in my family. I begged my mom to leave. She wouldn't... she made excuses and was afraid financially. She cared more about the stuff then us... she was sick. Co-dependent.
My dad would pretend to commit suicide. Shoot a gun out the window or slam a toilet seat. I would be the one to creep the hall and see if he was dead in a pool of blood. I remember being scared he was dead or hate myself for wishing he might finally be dead.
I am a 9 on an ACES score. I work with women that are 10's (I didn't get raped in childhood only traumatized by a rageaholic drunk). They say if you have a 3 or more you should immediately seek counseling.
How are kids REALLY taking this? Of course they want daddy around... kids are taught from day one to LOVE daddy. To want daddy. They don't have a copy of Codependant No More or a therapist to work through bizarre relationships around them. They are innocent kids trapped in a dysfunctional family.
So how is dad doing really? Is he engaged with his kids? Going to the PTA and their games and helping them with homework?
My dad said girls didn't need college and we were not worth shooting. He had 5 girls and finally a boy. All the girls are successful and drug free and college grads. The baby boy? Died of a fentanyl overdose in January of 2017.
We all worked ourselves through college. He didn't give us a penny. He died alone and as mean as ever.
But... if I had the power to do a do over or could have forced the solution somehow I would have loaded my mom and my brother and sister up and left that crazy house!
So... don't worry over raising kids alone. It happens all over the world and kids survive that far better than a traumatic, addiction fueled nightmare of childhood.
And the rollercoaster of OK one second and crazy scarey the next is the most destabling thing young children can experience. And it sticks with you... I married an addict (in recovery and loving God and all of that) who relapsed and cheated.
My broken picker picked a few more shining stars in the years after that...each one a failed experience of trying to go home to fix the broken pieces. I had to try to fix daddy subconsciously.... it took a lot of therapy for my to finally figure that out BEFORE I went on out on those super hot dates!
Anyway... don't be scared. If it starts looking rocky and the seas start to roar step off the boat onto the seashore and help those kids find some great shells.
Fear paralyzes. Don't let it get the best of you. You can do it if you need to.