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ULTIMATE BETRAYAL (thought i would post in this forum as husband is both alcoholic and drug addict)

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ULTIMATE BETRAYAL (thought i would post in this forum as husband is both alcoholic and drug addict)

Old 05-30-2018, 08:05 AM
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ULTIMATE BETRAYAL (thought i would post in this forum as husband is both alcoholic and drug addict)

It is so painful to write this, but I have to let it out of my chest for other human beings to read. Only I have to share it with people who don't know me, hence that's why I'm writing here. I'm not asking for sympathy or judgement, just please read. It is very long, but I will start with what happened before I found out about the affair, and then finish off after I found out about it.

I'm a young mom (35yo) of 3 young kids under 10. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. My husband (40yo) is an addict. He's an Alcoholic, previously had 10 year sobriety, relapsed in 2011 and since then, a few times a year. Each time he relapses, he usually picks himself up right away.

OUR MARRIAGE

My husband and I had our ups and downs, but we used to have a strong marriage based on mutual trust, faithfulness and love. He is a great guy, loves baseball, intelligent, had a great job. He has a big heart, our kids were his life. He would miss the kids badly when he goes in on Mondays. He is a very sweet man, when sober. When he is not sober, he can do the worst imaginable things. Today, i wonder who he truly is.

THE BEGINNING OF OUR TROUBLE


In 2014, when I was pregnant with our youngest child, he got home very drunk from the airport. He wasn't a violent type. That night, he grabbed a kitchen knife and walked upstairs into our room when I was sleeping. He was pointing the knife towards his own chest and said he did not want to live anymore. I called 911 and they admitted him at the psychiatric ward. He was there for 1 week and then came out determined to be sober. A year later, similar thing happened, and I took him straight to the psychiatric ward and they kept him for a week.

A few weeks later, he stopped taking his anti-depressants. His depression got worse and he started to have severe back pain. He went to see a Pain specialist and was prescribed PERCOCET right away, but was told to get a complete blood count, plus imaging of his back and spine.

3 weeks had passed until the tests came back, and they were normal. The doctor told my husband he was no longer prescribe him Percocet. Upset, my husband thought it was "inhumane" for the doctor to drop him while he was still in a lot of pain; so he went to see another Pain doctor who this time, prescribed him Percocet. Every month, my husband would visit the doctor for a refill...This lasted for months. I slowly noticed my husband slipping into his own abyss. He started to sleep in a little more each day, and would not sleep at night. He complained more and more about his pain, he worked from home, but missed a lot of it because he was having a hard time waking up and focusing. His pain was unbearable, and he would go to the ER about once a month to get relief. This went on for a year. I told him I was concerned about his wellbeing and recommended he sees another doctor and to slowly get off the medicine. He started to get defensive, and saying things like, " you never support me", " all you care is about medicine", " you don't give a **** about me" etc...He continued to take his medicine for 8 more months in the meantime, he got worse. He now slept all day, and was up during the night. He missed a lot of work, was fired, got a new job, was fired, repeat...He missed a lot of times with the kids. I remember on our last vacation, we missed the "check-out" because he couldn't wake up. He was fine, just couldn't get out of bed.

Around May 2017, we went to see a Neuro-surgeon, who ran a new set of tests and upon receiving the results, confirmed that they all came back normal, and he recommended he sees a Neurologist, a therapist who can help him taper off his medicine. My husband initially agreed but then canceled the appointment and told me to not get involved with his medication.
We had a big fight that day, and he threw his pills in the trash, and then told me, he would "kill himself as a result." A couple of hours later, he went in the trash to retrieve the pills and started to be erratic. He started to slam doors, scream at me and the kids, and destroyed our window blinds and dresser. He said, "if you dare the call the cops, I will ******* kill them". He also quit his job because he was so angry at me for attacking his medicine.

I packed the kids to my sister, and went to court to get him ordered to be evaluated at the psych ward. He was at home when 10 police officers broke into the house. I was just a couple of blocks away, shaking, waiting for the cops to call me when they have him. He was asleep when they got in, and he was resisting them. He was fighting the cops, but they were able to handcuff him and took him to the psych ward. There, he told the doctors that I was lying because he hated the psych ward so much.

They kept him for a week. I wanted to visit him but he was angry at me and did not give me permission to see him. At the same time, I was hoping that they would evaluate him with "substance abuse". During the exit interview, I was present and pressed for them to further evaluate him and keep him until he had accepted to enter a treatment, or at least agree to taper off his Percocet...but since the medicine was prescribed by a doctor, there was nothing they could do and he was released.
When he got home that night, he said he "loved me very much" and that he will "taper off taking the medicine by August 2017."At the same time, nothing much changed except he was now more angry at me. His performance at work also took a turn for the worse and he lost the job he quit. He also mentioned he wanted to die, so many times. He knew I was going to call the cops if he continued acting erratic.

THE BETRAYAL

A few days later, he started to sleep on his male friend's couch a couple of nights a week. Soon, he said, he couldn't sleep at the house anymore, because he didn't feel safe and that he didn't want to end up in psych ward or in jail, since he was still taking the Percocet.
In the meantime, he complained that he missed me and the kids but that he couldn't stay at the house. He kept telling me he was sleeping on his colleagues' couches and sometimes in his car. He never really officially told me he moved out and intended to separate. I had been a stay at home mom for 10 years. When we separated, i went back to work for a very first time. I made money but still needed support from him.

2 weeks later, he opened a new bank account and said his income was now just his, and that he would be depositing money to our joint account. He gave me and the kids 2/3 of his income but was a jerk. Now mind you with 3 kids, a mortgage, car payment, food, activities, summer camps, I felt very blindsided and stressed about money.
He said he wasn't staying home anymore and that he needs to find a place to stay. He also confirmed we were now separated which still caught me off guard. I knew my husband was upset, but he wouldn't just take off and move out or worse "separate" without talking to me. He said if I hadn't called the cops on him, or if if had cared more about him, than the Percocet, he wouldn't have left home. He blamed everything on me. I told him I was willing to see a Marriage counselor to save our marriage but he declined. I repeatedly asking him to come home to work things out but he kept declining. Then he had a consultation with a lawyer, that confirmed he didn't have to give me a dime until we signed a separation agreement. He started to act like a jerk.
He then told me he was staying in the apartment of 2 sisters in the program. He swore they were like sisters and that he was not, and did not plan to be in in romantic relationship with any of them etc...He also said both women had been sober for 12 months and that they have a "no alcohol, no drug policy" and if he violated the policy, he would be kicked out of the apartment.

He started to make unrealistic demands, such as cancelling the kids summer camps, our vacation, asking he only sees the kids at his apartment. In the meantime, he still told me he loved me but that he just couldn't be at the house with me. Within the couple of weeks, he introduced her to me, as his “friend in program”. My mom was suspicious but i shrugged it off since i thought he would never, ever cheat on me. When the 3 of us were together during those pick ups and drop offs, they would act just like they were strictly platonic.

My kids started going to his apartment, and even slept over on some weekends. He said he was lonely. Then out of the blue, in September, he came back home because "he missed us". He also told me he was no longer on Percocet, but was now on "weeds" to help him with the pain and anxiety. When he briefly came back in September, October, he told me his dear friend was looking for a job part-time so since i just started working and need part time childcare, he suggested we hired her a part-time sitter. Since i was a fool, i did hire her for around 3 weeks - until he moved out again for the second time. I let her stay at our house to babysit our kids, go trick or treat with us on halloween and drove our kids around.

My husband acted very normal around. He knew i trusted him and would not question his faithfulness. Most of his friends were female and i got along with all of them. I often even cried to her, “I miss my husband, i so want him to come back home”, and she gave me a big hug, saying “I know, I know it’s hard”. They would occasionally pick the kids up or drop them off together, usually early in the morning or late at night. During this period, His car was at the shop so he Used that as a “perfect opportunity” to “borrow” her car, he would be driving and she would be seating on the reclining passenger seat.

When he was back at the house, he spent a lot of money on weeds, and most of his time in the basement smoking them. He was sleeping in, most of the days, and would be up all night. He would still have problems at work. And he would still miss things we needed to do with the kids. When he was out of weeds, he started to act like an ass again, and when I confronted him about it, he moved out of the house for the second time. This time, he said, he couldn't feel safe at the house.

A week later, he was fired for the 4th time within the last 18 months. He was now jobless, very little money came in and he still kept 1/3 of whatever he had. On thanksgiving eve, he asked my kids to be dropped off at the apartment to spend the night and then half of thanksgiving day with him. Around 1pm on Thanksgiving, he told me to come get the kids because their meals weren't prepared on time. He saw the kids on and off as he pleased in the meantime.

I started to get upset as he was not around the kids that much. He started to call me names, such as "****, nasty ass bitch, ******* *****, etc..."; and that he "would come into our house and destroy everything in it".
I went to court and got a restraining order against him. I have it now for 2 years, but lawful contact is allowed.

He got toasted by the judge, lost custody of our kids, and was not allowed to be in the house, but was required to make payment on the mortgage, and our bills, etc...
His lady friend, whom he called "roommate" came with him at the court for "support". He came to the house that night and his friend picked him up because he had "no gas". Again, as they made their way out of the house, I sat on the couch feeling oblivious. Now I look back and I feel like a fool.

**** started to get back around Christmas. When he came over on Christmas Eve, he had to leave during the day to babysit for his roommates kid because she had to go to the ER. A few hours later, he came back, and we watched a movie through his laptop while wrapping our kids presents. During the movie, her text messages popped out of the screen, saying, "I thought we were going to FaceTime at 1am?". THAT'S WHEN I FINALLY SUSPECTED THAT THEY WERE *******!

I confronted him about it, but he kept swearing they were just friends and roommates. The kids were asleep. Then morning came, the kids opened their presents, and then after that he went back to sleep on the couch until 4pm. I confronted him about it again, and this time, he started yelling. I warned him I had a restraining order against him and that would call the cops if he continued.

A few minutes later, The woman called our house the next day and I told her to %$$$ off. Did she care? Nope. She was waiting for him in the car outside our house.

I did try to make it amiable, but as a human being, I lost it that day. I told him in front of our kids that he was a deadbeat dad, that he abandoned us for the his mistress, and that he was the most selfish human being that I have ever known. I told him I will never forget the pain that he inflicted on me and our little kids, that and he was not welcome at the house anymore, and that I will be filing for divorce based on abuse, abandonment and infidelity. Then I threw his bag out of the door. The woman was impatiently waiting for him in the car outside our house. All of this was unfortunately witnessed by our 3 young kids. My oldest covered his ears with his hands and had tears coming down his face; my daughter cried hysterically; and my youngest one, took my hands and told me to go in the other room, away from my husband. Then he left. I apologized to my kids and told them, " daddy had to leave the house because he was screaming and because he did something that made mommy very upset". I still can't believe that that happened.

5 days later, I sent him an email reminder that the lawyer and I are meeting to file for divorce and that he will be served with divorce paper soon. The night before I saw my lawyer, he sent me an email telling me, "IM NOT DOING WELL AT ALL, I MISS YOU AND THE KIDS VERY MUCH" begging me to speak with him.
I filled out the divorce paperwork Thursday before Martin Luther weekend, our lawyer planned on sending the file Tuesday when the court opens. After meeting with the lawyer, I sat down with him. He cried the whole time and begged to stay in the basement to be close to the kids. At the time, I had suspicion about the affair, but no proof. He kept saying they were just roommates.

Then he came back in the basement, and I found out about the affair by going through his journals which was on the computer that he borrowed from me. He finally admitted everything to me. And I was heartbroken.

HIS EXPLANATION

He told me, he moved out because he was scared of going back to the psych ward or jail and needed a place he can escape.
Then he put an add on the AA club forum on facebook looking for a room, to which she immediately replied. They have been acquaintances for a while. She told my husband she was in a relationship with a man he knew, and that she had been sober for 12 months. She also claimed, she will kick him out if he drinks or does drugs.

My husband said his intentions were never to sleep with any woman, but to have a safe place to stay while he was figuring his **** out os he doesn't end up in jail.

He moved in believing she was a safe person to be around...and it was matter for days for him to sleep with her. She was in the middle of divorce herself so she recommended her lawyer to my husband, gave him advice on how things work now. A few days after they slept together, she told my husband she was on probation, because her boyfriend from 2016, took her fentanyl and died in her bed. She was required to secure her medicine in a safe away from anyone's reach.
However, She gave my husband the code of her safe so he could take Percocet from her. So all they did was sharing each other's Percocet and sleep all day for days.

I blame my husband for what he has done to me, but I do blame her as well.

THEIR BREAK-UP

The day my husband came back home, he told her he was going to stop by to grab his belongings. He told her he was going back to his family and that they were through. She was kind of blindsided and kept sending him messages and emails but he blocked her. He didn't talk to her about anything, just took off as if he didn’t even know her. A week later, he called her when I was around and told her, he was back with me and would like for her to stop contacting him. He told her to never contact “him or his wife again”. I could hear her cry on the other line. No, this does not make me feel proud or special at all, but what did she expect. She even asked me for money because she paid for my husband’s expenses when he didn’t have a job. I told her to get lost.

NOW

Now my husband and I are still together. Yes I know. Most people would have left. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but only time will tell. My husband had never cheated on any woman he dated until he crossed her path. He's a grown ass man and is responsible for his actions but I feel like if he hadn't crossed her path, he wouldn't have cheated on me. (please don't judge me, I'm sharing this based on the years of knowing him)

Some days, I feel like he cheated on me because he was misled and his judgment was clouded. So as a human being, he succumbed to the temptations and lost his integrity. By the time he realized what happened, damage had been done.
Our kids seem to be very happy that daddy is around and doing better health wise. He's more attentive to our needs and helps around the house. He is active in the program and sees a Therapist and Psychiatrist. He has been sober since he came home in January. He's more sensitive to my feelings and starting to enjoy things we used to do as a couple and family. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right thing to stay. I can't imagine explaining my kids when they say "daddy back hone now?" or "daddy coming hone soon?" or "I want daddy". They seem to be genuinely happy that daddy is back home.

But some other days, I hate myself for staying with a cheating, dishonest addict. I feel like he's an enemy, the betrayal, lies, abandonment, manipulation are too painful to let go. Sometimes I hate to share the bed with him. I still love him but don't see him as my soul mate anymore. I have resentment to what he had done to me and the kids.

But then, i simply don't have the courage to walk away. I'm afraid to raise my kids alone, as a single mom. Financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Per my lawyer, spousal support is good for around 10 years. Child support until the kids reach 18 and it covers the basic of kids expenses. I'm an Administrative Assistant and makes 3% of what he makes. I will be 45 in 10 years. What if i can't send my kids to college? Since he is not required by law to pay for their tuition, i have little faith in him doing it. What if his new "partner" doesn't treat my kids right and drives him away from them?The list is endless.
One thing i noticed and stands out is that when my husband and i were doing well and he had a job. Friends and families (especially his side) were all loving, and would check on us, offered to babysit so we could go to movies etc...). When my husband was out, and lost his job, and i asked for $500 for the very first time in my life, ( to avoid our water, gas to electric bills to be disconnected) ; 2 refused and told me to not call them; one gave $200 but insisted i know they won't be able to help further, and insisted i gave them the copy of the bill so they can pay online. I felt like i was treated like a beggar. Like they lost respect on me. I thanked her for giving us the money, and paid her when my husband came back; I was thankful that they helped, they had no obligation to help me. I get it. That was the only time in my life that i had ever asked family members for money, and i did so because i felt financially blindsided, and desperate. After the comments they made, i felt so low and lost. I swear i will never ever ask anyone for money as long as i breathe. I will sell the house and move in to a small apartment, or work 2 jobs if i have to. Money is one part i'm concerned about, but there is also the emotional, physical, mental fear to do it alone.

Most of our friends, and relatives (his side) whom we used to be very close to, stopped checking on me and the kids when my husband was out and lost his job. They are afraid we are going to end up being a "burden". Now he's back, they want to get together and offer to babysit our kids again so we could go on dates. I guess it's just human nature, but it makes feel sad inside.

What do you guys think about this whole thing. I know I can't make decisions based on what people say on the internet, but if you have any perspectives or insights, please Kindly share.

Thank you.

PS. I was tested for STDs, hepatitis, HIV etc... after I found out about the affair, and I'm thankful I'm clear.It is so painful to write this, but I have to let it out of my chest for other human beings to read. Only I have to share it with people who don't know me, hence that's why I'm writing here. I'm not asking for sympathy or judgement, just please read. It is very long, but I will start with what happened before I found out about the affair, and then finish off after I found out about it.
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Old 05-30-2018, 08:52 AM
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What do you guys think about this whole thing.

Welcome to SR. Well personally I'd have and did kick him to the kerb. My exa and also drug addicted husband found excuse after excuse to carry on with prescription pain killers long after he ever needed them. He was also a womaniser and had affairs which he swore down would never happen again but they did. I can see so many instances in your post of his quacking and lies.

He started to slam doors, scream at me and the kids, and destroyed our window blinds and dresser. He said, "if you dare the call the cops, I will ******* kill them". He also quit his job because he was so angry at me for attacking his medicine.

Not all addicts cheat. Not all addicts are abusive. He did that cos it is who he is. If he is sober you will just have a cheating abusive sober person. He quit his job cos he wanted too. He used you as an excuse.

But then, i simply don't have the courage to walk away.

I get that but you are what 35? You have a whole life ahead of you. My advice would be to read the stickies at the top of the forum to learn about addiction and your part in it, how it effects children being raised with it, work on yourself and get stronger so you can plan what you want from life. Nothing has to be done quickly.
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Old 05-30-2018, 09:52 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Hi Atlantis,

I will paste my reply to your post in the other forum.

There are a lot of betrayals in your story, it's not surprising you are feeling resentful.

One part I don't understand is part of his "excuse". He decides to leave your home and finds a place with some AA members. He wasn't even "sober" at the time, he was abusing percocet, so why was he looking for sober roommates? If he was going to be sober he could do that in your home and not be scared of being sent to the psych ward/having the police called.

Also he is 40 years old, why did he feel the need to move in with someone who would kick him out if he did drugs? It's unclear from your post what program he is in, is he in AA?

Do you trust him? Would he have cheated if he wasn't at such a low point? Who knows. Fact is he did. If the right circumstances were to occur again, do you feel you could trust him now?

Of course the kids are happy that he is home, this should not affect your decisions at all. They are children, they don't know that Daddy brought a knife in to the room while Mom was sleeping. That is the stuff of nightmares. You are their protector, all they know is that home is back to "normal", please put that aside when making decisions. "Normal" to a child is not necessarily normal in any other circumstance.

He is a drug user (still smoking weed?). He lied to you over and over and over about his relationship with the other woman. It wasn't a one night stand, he lived with her, took money from her, they had a relationship.

The fact that he coldly walked out on her is significant. He did that. He was in a relationship with a woman and abandoned her. That seems familiar.

He states he has never cheated on a partner before and based on your experience with him you believe him. You also believed that he was just this woman's room-mate. Please don't think I am laying any blame on you, just saying that perhaps he is just a really good liar. He didn't "confess" until you found the information and he couldn't lie about it anymore.

You've been put through the wringer by this man and I think you already know the writing is on the wall.

Something doesn't add up here. More will be revealed. Please have a plan B ready. I hope you are still working and perhaps able to put some money aside for yourself.

I'm sorry for your situation, it truly is terrible.
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Old 05-30-2018, 11:15 AM
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Hi, Atlantis. I think the feedback you get in this forum will be about the same as what you got on your other threads. We can't tell you what to do; you have to figure that out for yourself.

This guy has a lot of issues in addition to the cheating, yet that seems to be the thing that bothers you the most. It certainly should bother you, and in my opinion, it is a deal-breaker. You say he has never cheated before, with any woman, but you really don't know that, do you? Just because he tells you that doesn't mean it's true. He has lied to you before.

He is an addict and just up and leaves if you ever confront him about it. He treats you horribly, leaving you to beg friends for money to pay bills. I'm sure the reason they are so hesitant to help you is because they know how your husband is and that you continually take him back. They can see the probability that this will continue to happen.

I don't mean to sound rude, although I'm sure you probably think I am. I am just hoping you will see that the situation you find yourself in is partly your own doing. As has been said before...You deserve better, but more importantly, your children deserve better.
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Old 05-30-2018, 11:49 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
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I will sell the house and move in to a small apartment, or work 2 jobs if i have to. Money is one part i'm concerned about, but there is also the emotional, physical, mental fear to do it alone.
I know someone who left her abusive husband and had to move into an apartment. She had to seriously downgrade her lifestyle and her child's. The father is still affluent, but at the end of the day the kid prefers to be with the mom.

If you stay with him, you have to financially prepare yourself for a relapse and another job loss. Fortunately, they would be the same steps for your own financial preparation if you decided to leave him. So working on your career and saving is NOT necessarily a decision to leave, and you'll have time to see whether or not you want reconciliation or not. As they say around here, hope is not a plan.

That said, I can speak from personal experience that if your children are motivated enough, they can find money for college. If it gets drilled into their heads that you won't be able to contribute the entire amount, and if they hustle, they can figure out a way to afford it. And if they're Ivy League material? A number of them offer FREE tuition for families that don't make enough. (ex. Harvard provides a free ride for families making less that $65K). There are also kids who go to community college for two years with automatic transfer to a 4 year college. They save a considerable chunk of change.

Don't let future college expenses, especially if they end up being way less than you imagined, determine what the next steps should be.
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Old 05-30-2018, 04:25 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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Atlantis...….

Here are some of the things that have helped others who have been in your same shoes.....things that have been tried and true for thousands of others who have come to this forum, over the years...…

1. Individual counseling. Making your own self the main focus.
2. Educating yourself about alcoholism/drug addiction. Knowledge is power...and, there is sooo much to know!
3. A real life support system...in addition to your counselor. I think this might be the most healing of all....it will increase your self esteem and your self confidence and feelings of security.
4. Read "Co-Dependence No More". It is the most recommended book, on this forum.
5. Attend alanon or similar group on regular basis

***For the education part...mentioned above...the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism/addiction and the effects on the loved ones is an excellent place to start. There are over 100 articles from those who have been in your shoes. Enough for you to read one every single day...lol...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

You can benefit from knowing your (and his) rights. The following link is to a website that is educational in nature, It is sorted by state!
It can help you to organize your thoughts and questions....


www.womansdivorce.com


***You cannot count on your husband for your and your children's future welfare. Y ou will have to count on yourself....We have no control over other people...only ourselves. We all have to attend to our own happiness and well being....and you children w ill be counting on you...the most stable parent....
The more you reach out for help and use it...the better you will be, and the easier this journey will be for you.....
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Old 05-30-2018, 06:20 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
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Atlantis, so sorry for your situation. Wishing you the best - treatment for your husband, staying safe, being strong for both you and your children, wishing you the wisdom to make good sound decisions. Life is not easy even in the best of circumstances. Sending you hugs and support!
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Old 05-30-2018, 06:28 PM
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I don't think you are rude at all. I agree with you. I'm here to get insights and perspectives from people. Since I have been living this nightmare for years, I'm starting to normalize it even if it is unacceptable. The thing that hurts me the most is the cheating. But I should have seen it written on the wall. I feel like crap that I allowed him to do this to me. I know that.

I know that what he did even before the cheating is not acceptable, but I stuck around.
I need to have the courage to walk away, in the meantime, I just can't just leave without a plan. I need to slowly detach from him, and financially, emotionally, mentally prepare.

I will keep you guys posted, and thank you for sharing your perspectives. I appreciate it.




Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Hi, Atlantis. I think the feedback you get in this forum will be about the same as what you got on your other threads. We can't tell you what to do; you have to figure that out for yourself.

This guy has a lot of issues in addition to the cheating, yet that seems to be the thing that bothers you the most. It certainly should bother you, and in my opinion, it is a deal-breaker. You say he has never cheated before, with any woman, but you really don't know that, do you? Just because he tells you that doesn't mean it's true. He has lied to you before.

He is an addict and just up and leaves if you ever confront him about it. He treats you horribly, leaving you to beg friends for money to pay bills. I'm sure the reason they are so hesitant to help you is because they know how your husband is and that you continually take him back. They can see the probability that this will continue to happen.

I don't mean to sound rude, although I'm sure you probably think I am. I am just hoping you will see that the situation you find yourself in is partly your own doing. As has been said before...You deserve better, but more importantly, your children deserve better.
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Old 05-30-2018, 07:14 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
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Hugs to you - this sounds like a nightmare. I wish healing and peace to you, your little ones and your addict as well.

Likewise, cheating was what hurt the most in case with XAH. In retrospect, I realize that cheating was the least of our issues and I am even grateful for its facilitating my hitting the rock bottom and getting away from the toxic environment.

It does sound scary not to have spousal support to raise children, but I realized I never really had it to begin with and was not going to deal with uncertainty of the future with mentally unreliable scary addict
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Old 05-31-2018, 07:00 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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Nata1980

Thank you! I totally agree. It should be my rock bottom. The sad thing is i have started to feel numb about his addiction and relapses a long time ago. It is very difficult to see things the way they are when you live them. But to the people outside, especially people who don't know us personally, they tell you exactly what they think of the situation.

I don't see my husband as the same man I married 11 years ago. That's the thing. And its the betrayal that really made me realize it.

I assumed you are divorced now? How has life been going for you? Do you have kids?

Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post
Hugs to you - this sounds like a nightmare. I wish healing and peace to you, your little ones and your addict as well.

Likewise, cheating was what hurt the most in case with XAH. In retrospect, I realize that cheating was the least of our issues and I am even grateful for its facilitating my hitting the rock bottom and getting away from the toxic environment.

It does sound scary not to have spousal support to raise children, but I realized I never really had it to begin with and was not going to deal with uncertainty of the future with mentally unreliable scary addict
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Old 05-31-2018, 02:48 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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Hi Atlantis,

Not sure if you know but you can look at people's past posts by clicking on their name on the left (above their picture if they have one).

You get a drop down menu and can select to view their posts or threads.

Hope that helps!
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Old 05-31-2018, 03:05 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
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I can relate to your story. I'm sorry for what brings you here to SR, but you've found a wonderful place for support.

My no-good cheater STBXAH left 3 years ago - I had to start a new life at age 39. It's been so hard, but so worth it. Now, 3 years out, I am realizing that I don't miss him at all (it's more the romanticized idea of a marriage and family that I miss, but we never really had that anyway), and I shudder to think about what my life would look like now if we had stayed together. Good riddance - he's the OW's problem now.
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Old 05-31-2018, 03:16 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
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Incidentally, the latest on the Chumplady blog is relevant here:

https://www.chumplady.com/2018/05/yo...it-that-bad-2/
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Old 05-31-2018, 04:00 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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People have been questioning my ability to protect my kids since my husband still lives in the house while I have a restraining order against him.

In the state of VA, a judge can issue a restraining order - LAWFUL CONTact only. This means as long as the accused does not engage in erratic behavior ( threats to self harm, or hurt others, or destroy property, do drugs, or drinks etc...) and complies to court order ( see a therapist, psychiatrist, attend aa meetings) then he’s allowed to be around.

I’m having a hard time staying married with him. But I respect the law and system that are protecting me and my children.
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Old 05-31-2018, 04:28 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
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Atlantis.....I sure hope that you will be doing the things in the list that I gave you..... of "tried and true" things to help you...including the readings.....
This is an important time in your life, where you can strengthen yourself and do the all important self exploration...…
That is what is going to change your life and your future...and, have the biggest impact on your kids......
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Old 05-31-2018, 04:43 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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That doesn't sound like much of a restraining order if he can come and go as he pleases as long as he doesn't get violent, etc. What's the point? You can call the police and have him removed without the restraining order.
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Old 05-31-2018, 05:10 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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Hi Atlantis,

You shared a lot of information about your husband's history that included numerous times you have had him placed in protective custody for his own safety and your family as well as his inability to stay sober, keep a job and be faithful to you in your marriage.

As having been in a marriage for 7 years with a chronic relapser and serial cheater I can share some experience strength and hope. For the kids sake I took him back twice after catching him cheating (they were very small and had no idea of any of his issues) but the third time it was over for me and I divorced him. He ended up spiraling into deep addiction with his addictive girlfriend and he died two years ago and he cheated and broke up marriages until the day he died.

Trust. Serial cheaters that have an addiction history is sometimes a switched addiction... and sex addiction is just as difficult to break off as substance use disorder.

But don't kid yourself... your husband left home and moved in with a lady with less than a year (if true) that is on probation because her old man died in her bed because he took HER fentanyl? This is the blind leading the blind... and he needs to be accountable for those decisions because he is the Captain of his ship and his family!

If he were interested in authentic recovery a bed in a halfway house where there is real accountability and only men might have been a wiser course of action don't you think? Reminds me of the Garden when Adam blames God for giving him woman who offers the apple. Self-control anyone?

He cheated. He lied. He blamed the woman. You are half buying into it because it doesn't feel as bad to let him back into the fold.

But what now? What is he doing to get better? Counseling? Drug testing to show that he is 100% squeaky clean? Have a sponsor? Do the steps? Going to meetings?

HOw is the dad report card?

I am ACOA. Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My childhood was a trainwreck and it messed up every single child in my family. I begged my mom to leave. She wouldn't... she made excuses and was afraid financially. She cared more about the stuff then us... she was sick. Co-dependent.

My dad would pretend to commit suicide. Shoot a gun out the window or slam a toilet seat. I would be the one to creep the hall and see if he was dead in a pool of blood. I remember being scared he was dead or hate myself for wishing he might finally be dead.

I am a 9 on an ACES score. I work with women that are 10's (I didn't get raped in childhood only traumatized by a rageaholic drunk). They say if you have a 3 or more you should immediately seek counseling.

How are kids REALLY taking this? Of course they want daddy around... kids are taught from day one to LOVE daddy. To want daddy. They don't have a copy of Codependant No More or a therapist to work through bizarre relationships around them. They are innocent kids trapped in a dysfunctional family.

So how is dad doing really? Is he engaged with his kids? Going to the PTA and their games and helping them with homework?

My dad said girls didn't need college and we were not worth shooting. He had 5 girls and finally a boy. All the girls are successful and drug free and college grads. The baby boy? Died of a fentanyl overdose in January of 2017.

We all worked ourselves through college. He didn't give us a penny. He died alone and as mean as ever.

But... if I had the power to do a do over or could have forced the solution somehow I would have loaded my mom and my brother and sister up and left that crazy house!

So... don't worry over raising kids alone. It happens all over the world and kids survive that far better than a traumatic, addiction fueled nightmare of childhood.

And the rollercoaster of OK one second and crazy scarey the next is the most destabling thing young children can experience. And it sticks with you... I married an addict (in recovery and loving God and all of that) who relapsed and cheated.

My broken picker picked a few more shining stars in the years after that...each one a failed experience of trying to go home to fix the broken pieces. I had to try to fix daddy subconsciously.... it took a lot of therapy for my to finally figure that out BEFORE I went on out on those super hot dates!

Anyway... don't be scared. If it starts looking rocky and the seas start to roar step off the boat onto the seashore and help those kids find some great shells.

Fear paralyzes. Don't let it get the best of you. You can do it if you need to.
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Old 05-31-2018, 05:39 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
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Hi Hopeworks,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm as sick. I'm enabling him I know.

Could you please private message me your email if you don't mind?





But don't kid yourself... your husband left home and moved in with a lady with less than a year (if true) that is on probation because her old man died in her bed because he took HER fentanyl? This is the blind leading the blind... and he needs to be accountable for those decisions because he is the Captain of his ship and his family!

If he were interested in authentic recovery a bed in a halfway house where there is real accountability and only men might have been a wiser course of action don't you think? Reminds me of the Garden when Adam blames God for giving him woman who offers the apple. Self-control anyone?

He cheated. He lied. He blamed the woman. You are half buying into it because it doesn't feel as bad to let him back into the fold.

But what now? What is he doing to get better? Counseling? Drug testing to show that he is 100% squeaky clean? Have a sponsor? Do the steps? Going to meetings?

HOw is the dad report card?

I am ACOA. Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My childhood was a trainwreck and it messed up every single child in my family. I begged my mom to leave. She wouldn't... she made excuses and was afraid financially. She cared more about the stuff then us... she was sick. Co-dependent.

My dad would pretend to commit suicide. Shoot a gun out the window or slam a toilet seat. I would be the one to creep the hall and see if he was dead in a pool of blood. I remember being scared he was dead or hate myself for wishing he might finally be dead.

I am a 9 on an ACES score. I work with women that are 10's (I didn't get raped in childhood only traumatized by a rageaholic drunk). They say if you have a 3 or more you should immediately seek counseling.

How are kids REALLY taking this? Of course they want daddy around... kids are taught from day one to LOVE daddy. To want daddy. They don't have a copy of Codependant No More or a therapist to work through bizarre relationships around them. They are innocent kids trapped in a dysfunctional family.

So how is dad doing really? Is he engaged with his kids? Going to the PTA and their games and helping them with homework?

My dad said girls didn't need college and we were not worth shooting. He had 5 girls and finally a boy. All the girls are successful and drug free and college grads. The baby boy? Died of a fentanyl overdose in January of 2017.

We all worked ourselves through college. He didn't give us a penny. He died alone and as mean as ever.

But... if I had the power to do a do over or could have forced the solution somehow I would have loaded my mom and my brother and sister up and left that crazy house!

So... don't worry over raising kids alone. It happens all over the world and kids survive that far better than a traumatic, addiction fueled nightmare of childhood.

And the rollercoaster of OK one second and crazy scarey the next is the most destabling thing young children can experience. And it sticks with you... I married an addict (in recovery and loving God and all of that) who relapsed and cheated.

My broken picker picked a few more shining stars in the years after that...each one a failed experience of trying to go home to fix the broken pieces. I had to try to fix daddy subconsciously.... it took a lot of therapy for my to finally figure that out BEFORE I went on out on those super hot dates!

Anyway... don't be scared. If it starts looking rocky and the seas start to roar step off the boat onto the seashore and help those kids find some great shells.

Fear paralyzes. Don't let it get the best of you. You can do it if you need to.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-02-2018 at 04:02 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Old 05-31-2018, 05:43 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Good evening, everyone.

Some posts have been removed. Please remember to share your experience and hope. If a member's story triggers you, please go and welcome the next newcomer.

Thank you!
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Old 05-31-2018, 05:52 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Atlantis View Post
Nata1980

I assumed you are divorced now? How has life been going for you? Do you have kids?
As for the rock bottom - you will know when you get there. Yes, have been divorced, have one child, life has been great. When separation happened, I thought I would have to go part time (XAH was stay at home father), but ended up getting a massive promotion instead, and better work/life balance to boot (because I needed it). Much better relationship with my son. Have full custody. You can read my past posts by clicking on my name

I hope you will find peace and serenity keep posting - and reading peoples stories - this place made me realize that my story was not unique, and was a lifesaver.

XAH has been sober longer than he has been in years, and doing well with visits. So it was a win win for everyone.
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