Originally Posted by
PhoenixRising211 
Thank you Bullwinkle. That quote is from the original poster.
I guess, I wish that I knew he wasn't going to suddenly do better and be better for someone else. He was awful to me. Abusive emotionally and physically. It's my addiction to him that is keeping me in the holding pattern....feels like i will never heal.
Hey PhoenixRising,
I can totally relate to this feeling of "what if they're better for someone else?" I think what helps is to try and reflect back on things as objectively as possible. It's hard when you have had so many deep feelings wrapped up in the situation. In my case, I think that I spent so much time in denial that it was almost as if the man I was experiencing in front of me at the time wasn't the REALITY of who he is. He talked a big game about wanting to settle down and have a family (and I think a part of him does want those things), but the reality is that he has issues that make those goals unattainable at this time - regardless of who he's with. Someone who has a longstanding history of using alcohol (or other substances) to numb themselves from life has inevitably lost their ability to connect with others in a healthy way. They're not even fully connected to THEMSELVES. I've learned that the drinking is just the tip of the iceberg ... there are so many issues below the surface that must also be dealt with in order for a person to be fully capable of a healthy relationship. It's not as if the next girl these guys meet is going to have some "magical" quality that will absolve them of their alcoholism and its related issues with the wave of a wand. They have to want to do better and be better for themselves - and even once they've decided to do that, it's a long, long process. Plus, I don't know how old your ex is, but mine is almost 40. I'm not saying there aren't great, single men over a certain age, but if someone is older (like past their early to mid 30s) and hasn't ever had a healthy relationship, that's something to look at as well. Mine had a gf about 8 years ago whom he dated/lived with for about 6 months and kicked her out out of the blue because he "got bored" with her. Then he had a 4 year on-and-off relationship with another girl he eventually proposed to, only to take the ring back from her 4 months later (out of the blue as well)!! He literally took the ring from her nightstand while she was at the gym. Who does that?? Sorry this response turned into a novel, but I guess what I'm saying is, try to look at the overall picture of this person's life/behavior - not just the brief few months of bliss early in the relationship. It helps me come back to reality! Lol