And at the same time the idea of going back makes me feel so peaceful.
Yes I remember that feeling the 4 times my now exah and I got back together. It wasn't peaceful I was feeling tho it was just relief I didn't have to face up to the cold hard facts just yet. We were also married a long time..20 years and the thought of being alone and having to work on myself was terrifying. However my exah drinking got worse and worse and we did eventually divorce. I stayed single and still am and I got through the loneliness and feeling like my life was over. It was hard and painful but you can do it too if you choose too.