Struggling
Hi. I have stopped drinking but am struggling to cope with no crutch to stop my obsessive worrying. I have also stopped regular smoking and want to stop both. I find it hard to not do one or the other.
My lodger drinks and smokes and I beg the odd roll up from her and actually to my shame steal the odd swig of her vodka or rum. I despise myself for this. I feel a failure although it's nothing compared to how I used to drink. I tell myself it's better to have the odd smoke from her than go buy a packet and start smoking full time. I use both smoking and drinking as a break to my obsessive worrying. Now I'm worrying that not only do I despise myself for begging smokes rather than paying for my own but that stealing a swig of her vodka will take me back to drinking which stole my time and hazed my days. I want to enjoy life free of if all. Recently I read some stuff about 5htp to help with anxiety and sleeping and have grasped at that as a solution. I'm feeling in despair because although it seemed to help to begin with if now seems that that was an illusion because I'm back to begging smokes every couple of days and occasionally stealing a swig. I've told my adult daughter j quit both because I thought I had. Now I feel a failure and a fraud although what I'm consuming now is nothing compared to what I have in the past. I'm single and 60 and feel lonely and alone. I sometimes think a relationship would fill the gap but I know that in the past it's relationships that have caused me to want to boot out uncomfortable feelings as I've always been in the wrong relationships. My daughters look up to me despot knowing my issues and think I am a strong woman. I don't want to let them or myself down but I fear I will