Life After Alochol
I apologize for the long rambling rant but I kind of wanted to make one of those diary threads because I basically just need a place to express what's going on with me in this struggle to rebuild my life after alcohol.
Some of this is stuff I've written about already but just to get it all out.. The biggest thing I'm struggling with right now is a lack of support. I moved to a new state where I knew virtually no one and have cut ties with pretty much everyone from my past. I've gone from relationship to relationship, made friends and family the center of my life.. so this isolation and self-reliance is literally the only way I managed to get sober but it's also a double edged sword.. I've reached a plateau in terms of what I can accomplish here alone.
I quickly ruined things with the guy I moved here for with my drinking. A couple months after I quit we started seeing each other again. I say seeing each other and not dating because it's definitely not official. I've told him I'm not sleeping with or interested in anyone else and he's expressed the same, but that's it as far as the commitment goes. We talk often and see each other most weekends but there's no sleeping over (I've brought this up recently and he basically said "we'll see"). Still need to find a way to express my guilt about the past in a meaningful way.. Honestly I don't deserve another chance with him but I also don't deserve to continue suffering in this limbo if there will never be a resolution.
The second mess I'm still trying to sort through is my job situation. I for whatever reason decided to go into real estate and then backed out almost immediately realizing I was in no state to start making good first impressions. That was in September though and I'm gonna have to decide if I want to keep my license active or not. Would be a shame to have gone through the hassle and then not even tried. Summer seems like a good time to jump back into it, I could start by just doing open houses on the weekends and hope for the best.. and I mean really, what do I have to lose? Again I don't really know anyone here so it's kind of daunting but that's just an excuse at this point.
I've been reading some self-help books and trying to get to the bottom of some of my subconscious beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors.. In terms of money it's actually pretty simple. My parent(s) expressed love with money. I rebelled against this and basically said I'd rather struggle then sell out for your approval.. That was fine but now at 27, I'm still just paying bills and getting by. Not really getting ahead.
I really believe there's a happy, fulfilling life on the other side of this and the only way to get there is to keep moving forwards and looking fearlessly at the issues without alcohol. But it's not easy. And it's not even about alcohol anymore, it's about figuring out who I am and what I really want.. So rant over, thanks for listening. If I manage to make any progress on the job or social fronts I'd like to be able to share it with you guys.