I feel very much the same way where I live. One thing I’m realizing, I probably wasn’t hiding my drinking as well as I thought I was. As forgiving as people are here on SR, in real life they can be very judgmental. I’ve driven people away, and isolating and wallowing in booze hasn’t helped. People begin to think something is wrong with me.
I’ve been to hundreds of AA meetings and have never felt accepted here. It’s frustrating. But drinking over it only proves their point, that I’m defective. ( As if any of them have never done the same thing)I’ve mostly done it to myself though.
Im only saying this to encourage you to finally put it down tomorrow and turn over a new leaf. The hole stops getting bigger when you stop digging.