I think it may have finally dawned on me that I can't control how she behaves and reacts to what I say and that with behaving the way i was I was trying to control the outcome by basically being a doormat and saying things I didn't belie in my heart were right for me. "If I behave this way I will calm things down and I'll get us back to the status quo" I don't want that status quo anymore.
I obviously don't want to wind her up and get her heart racing but I now feel I have enough oomph about me to respond to her criticism and supposed "helpful advice" in a way that is actually how I feel. And I'm sorry if she doesn't like it.
I'm not going to listen while she tells me how "I've let everything slip again" when I hear lovely things about my boys from their friends Mums and my eldest comes and thanks me for helping him and getting him things etc. I feel I have succeeded in bringing my boys up to be nice and kind and polite despite everything (i'm a good Mum with all my faults) and the odd mishap does not mean I have failed and let everything slip. And there really is not need to get so irate over the tiniest little things. I'm not taking it anymore.