I didn't leave but perhaps I'm waking up

Old 05-03-2018, 03:50 AM
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I didn't leave but perhaps I'm waking up

I didn't leave. It hasn't ended. I know you'll all think I'm mad.
She's stopped drinking due to ending up in hospital (not directly related to alcohol but alcohol consumption over the years contributed to it).

It's not been too bad since she got out of hospital although her not drinking has been a decided improvement. I'm not on here to go into whats been happening really.

I wanted to say. I stood up for myself today.

I walked away from her drama on Tuesday (anxiety screwed my sleep tho). I didn't let her behaviour affect me yesterday - she claims I ignored her all day but she was barely speaking to me so I didn't bother trying to speak to her and got on with my day. This is me ignoring her. When what i was doing is getting on with my day. But she can't accept that.

I took care of my own self care (something I haven't been doing for years) last night by stating early on that I needed an early night as had had no sleep the previous night - red rag to a bull that and she didn't come to bed at all. I slept eventually after doing battle with my anxiety for nearly an hour but I got myself through it.

Her behaviour was rotten yesterday - why she couldn't come and speak to me I don't know. She was waiting for me to ask her what the problem was. I know what the problem is (or what she thinks it is) that I let everything go with my kids and so on and so forth and how crap I am at having not fixed the relationship, that I'd rather a Dr helped her than I help her.

Today - same mood, winding herself up and trying to make it my fault. So I stood my ground. I told her "you are over reacting" "you over reated on Tuesday so I went to bed" " I did nothing wrong" "I needed to go to bed early so I did - it was nothing against you".
She's so wound up, she has High BP(recently diagnosed) and now every time things start going wrong she points out how I'm raising her heart rate and trying to kill her by not listening and not fixing things. She's raising her heart rate and winding herself up. What am I supposed to do - back down, agree with everything just so her heart rate doesn't rise. (of course I don't want her heart rate to rise but I can't control how she reacts to me standing my ground - of which she is not used to)

I didn't do my usual thing of crawling to her, asking her to forgive me, apologising for something I don't believe I caused, that I won't do it again etc etc. I simply didn't do my old tried, tested and totally failing behaviour. And boy do I feel good about it (well not good exactly but I'm ok) normally after a run in like i had this morning my anxiety would have gone through the roof. But after she left there was no anxiety. Nothing, I calmly sat in the sunshine and ate a slice or lemon pie.

Does this say that what I did and how I behaved resonated with my actual real beliefs and feelings which is why i feel ok and that my previous grovelling behaviour caused my anxiety because it was so against what I really felt and believed? Or am I just a complete unfeeling cow like she told me I was.

Writing this is giving me a mild case of anxiety but overall I feel ok. Like I did something right, for me. Not right necessarily for her or our situation but for once I did what was right for me.

I've waffled enough. Perhaps I'm starting to wake up to myself and what I hear coming from her and how her behaviour is not my fault.
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Old 05-03-2018, 03:54 AM
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I think the most important thing to hang on to, Poppet, is the idea that just because she is telling you that you have the power to "fix things" for her, you don't. No one does, except her, and she hasn't accepted that doing so is HER responsibility. But it sounds like YOU are beginning to accept that, and that's wonderful. I'm sorry she is still treating you terribly and gaslighting you (I understand you said "it's not been too bad" lately, but I have to tell, it sounds just as bad as ever).
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Old 05-03-2018, 04:01 AM
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I think it may have finally dawned on me that I can't control how she behaves and reacts to what I say and that with behaving the way i was I was trying to control the outcome by basically being a doormat and saying things I didn't belie in my heart were right for me. "If I behave this way I will calm things down and I'll get us back to the status quo" I don't want that status quo anymore.

I obviously don't want to wind her up and get her heart racing but I now feel I have enough oomph about me to respond to her criticism and supposed "helpful advice" in a way that is actually how I feel. And I'm sorry if she doesn't like it.

I'm not going to listen while she tells me how "I've let everything slip again" when I hear lovely things about my boys from their friends Mums and my eldest comes and thanks me for helping him and getting him things etc. I feel I have succeeded in bringing my boys up to be nice and kind and polite despite everything (i'm a good Mum with all my faults) and the odd mishap does not mean I have failed and let everything slip. And there really is not need to get so irate over the tiniest little things. I'm not taking it anymore.
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Old 05-03-2018, 06:12 AM
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Poppet, she has been blaming you for everything for a very long time. That is not likely to stop. I am super proud of you for doing what it in your own power. You cannot control anyone else's actions, but you can certainly control your own reactions. And you did. Major progress my friend.

Stay strong, don't waiver.

Big hugs.
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Old 05-03-2018, 06:27 AM
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Thank you.
Seriously wavering now having been told I've been defensive, not stopping and listening to a different point of view, burying my head in the sand, having excuses to absolve myself of fault.
To the point I've been googling "have I been defensive by standing up for myself".
Whenever I try to get my point of view across I'm told I'm being defensive. We never address her behaviour, oh yes, we do, her behaviour is because of what I've done, and how I've been, or what I've not done.
My earlier confidence is ebbing.
I don't want to stand there anymore and listen to her tell me that "I've let things slide" that "I'm the monster in the relationship".
The other day she said something - that rang a bell in my head - that said "thats not right" but my anxiety has erased it from my memory. I remember thinking about what she'd said and how wrong it sounded but I cannot remember it now. But it was like a lightbulb flashing on - confirming some of my thoughts about her. I've tried to remember it but I can't - it's gone apart from the memory of knowing it was important.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:08 AM
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Maybe you could start keeping a journal of conversations that have an affect on you?

Hang in there Poppet, you are getting yourself pointed in the right direction.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:23 AM
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Does this say that what I did and how I behaved resonated with my actual real beliefs and feelings which is why i feel ok and that my previous grovelling behaviour caused my anxiety because it was so against what I really felt and believed? Or am I just a complete unfeeling cow like she told me I was.
This makes me think that you are on the right track.

In my experience, depression and anxiety were trying to tell me I was going in the wrong direction and not being true to myself. I had to learn to trust what my gut/inner guide was telling me.

I would tend to not buy into any judgements she seems to have of you.
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Old 05-03-2018, 07:25 AM
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Yes that's probably a really good idea. Then I would have these things written down and can look back at them. It would stop me doubting my memory.
Thank you.
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Old 05-03-2018, 09:56 AM
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First off, it's great that you are attempting to take care of yourself. You are on the right path.

Originally Posted by Poppet35 View Post
Today - same mood, winding herself up and trying to make it my fault. So I stood my ground. I told her "you are over reacting" "you over reated on Tuesday so I went to bed" " I did nothing wrong" "I needed to go to bed early so I did - it was nothing against you". .
For the above, my only suggestion would be to leave out the parts like "you are over-reacting". In your opinion she may well be, but is that your call? Being told your feelings are "wrong" is annoying at best. Stating your part - "I needed to go to bed early so I did - it was nothing against you" is a really healthy response.

Originally Posted by Poppet35 View Post
Does this say that what I did and how I behaved resonated with my actual real beliefs and feelings which is why i feel ok and that my previous grovelling behaviour caused my anxiety because it was so against what I really felt and believed? Or am I just a complete unfeeling cow like she told me I was.
.
I think so, yes. In my experience you can't keep sucking it up. Keep going against yourself and not have it affect you. It wears you down, it makes you question yourself, it causes anxiety.

Atalose said something really profound yesterday that I think really resonates here, she said (paraphrasing) on the one hand you have the other person making you feel guilty and on the other you have your guilt working on you (unfounded). So you basically have 2 people working against you.

Is it any wonder you feel un-grounded and full of anxiety?
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Old 05-03-2018, 10:03 AM
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Poppett.....here is a good rule for boundary setting.....

Do not JADE. You are not obligated to---
J-justify A-argue D-defend or E--explain
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Old 05-03-2018, 11:08 AM
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I don't want to stand there anymore and listen to her tell me that "I've let things slide" that "I'm the monster in the relationship".
Then don’t, defuse the situation by walking away and into a different room. Simple say I’m not going to discuss anything right now.

She knows you are changing and learning to stick up for yourself and she’s trying to get you back to how you used to be………………..notice I said USED TO BE.

Stick to your boundaries you are doing a good job, her melt downs are proving that.
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Old 05-03-2018, 12:27 PM
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Every single time you stick up for yourself she is going to see the change in you and fight it every step of the way. Go back and read your old posts friend. She has been extremely verbally abusive to you for a very long time. Don't let her actions cause you to question your own healthy reactions.
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Old 05-04-2018, 03:23 AM
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Thank you so much. I know it's such a small step to simply stand up for myself, but it helped me and I feel like I'm on the right path.

I always JADE - I keep trying not to. Its really tough not to try and explain and justify.

And yes, I wondered if her outbursts were to do with the fact I'm trying to to buy into the drama. I'm trying not to just stand there and listen as she lists what i've done wrong this time or the new things I don't do or she feels I do to her.

My boundaries are weak - I've known that for a long time and I struggle to enforce them - I'm not really sure I really know how to do that. I keep reading about it but I'm not sure I get it. I'm a work in progress on my boundaries.

Thank you for all your support even tho my positive step is so very small.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:20 AM
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Oh - I so know the feeling of "Am I crazy?" Kind of like ... wait, I thought what I was asking for was somewhat along the lines of pretty normal stuff, things most people expect you to do. How does that make me (insert adjective your A uses - you get, defensive ... I get either 'judgmental' or 'angry')?

The only thing that helped me was therapy - and distance from my spouse. I basically stopped talking to him or interacting with him in anyway and that did wonders. To ensure I don't fall back into thinking that way ... I've continued therapy and have told my family and friends. I literally have on call a friend who says "You are not crazy." when I need it.
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:09 AM
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Poppet, I've been there. The first step for me was the waking up. It is very hard for me to not get defensive or JADE. I try to remember he is not changing at the pace I am. What I want is what I want, whether he wants to give them to me or not. Yet I stay.
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Old 05-04-2018, 06:19 AM
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Each step counts friend, small or not!
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Old 05-04-2018, 10:18 AM
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I didn't leave but perhaps I'm waking up

I think you will truly wake up when you leave. Your life has been one long abusive misery for you and your kids with this woman and she is not going to change.
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