Poppet35

I didn't leave. It hasn't ended. I know you'll all think I'm mad.
She's stopped drinking due to ending up in hospital (not directly related to alcohol but alcohol consumption over the years contributed to it).

It's not been too bad since she got out of hospital although her not drinking has been a decided improvement. I'm not on here to go into whats been happening really.

I wanted to say. I stood up for myself today.

I walked away from her drama on Tuesday (anxiety screwed my sleep tho). I didn't let her behaviour affect me yesterday - she claims I ignored her all day but she was barely speaking to me so I didn't bother trying to speak to her and got on with my day. This is me ignoring her. When what i was doing is getting on with my day. But she can't accept that.

I took care of my own self care (something I haven't been doing for years) last night by stating early on that I needed an early night as had had no sleep the previous night - red rag to a bull that and she didn't come to bed at all. I slept eventually after doing battle with my anxiety for nearly an hour but I got myself through it.

Her behaviour was rotten yesterday - why she couldn't come and speak to me I don't know. She was waiting for me to ask her what the problem was. I know what the problem is (or what she thinks it is) that I let everything go with my kids and so on and so forth and how crap I am at having not fixed the relationship, that I'd rather a Dr helped her than I help her.

Today - same mood, winding herself up and trying to make it my fault. So I stood my ground. I told her "you are over reacting" "you over reated on Tuesday so I went to bed" " I did nothing wrong" "I needed to go to bed early so I did - it was nothing against you".
She's so wound up, she has High BP(recently diagnosed) and now every time things start going wrong she points out how I'm raising her heart rate and trying to kill her by not listening and not fixing things. She's raising her heart rate and winding herself up. What am I supposed to do - back down, agree with everything just so her heart rate doesn't rise. (of course I don't want her heart rate to rise but I can't control how she reacts to me standing my ground - of which she is not used to)

I didn't do my usual thing of crawling to her, asking her to forgive me, apologising for something I don't believe I caused, that I won't do it again etc etc. I simply didn't do my old tried, tested and totally failing behaviour. And boy do I feel good about it (well not good exactly but I'm ok) normally after a run in like i had this morning my anxiety would have gone through the roof. But after she left there was no anxiety. Nothing, I calmly sat in the sunshine and ate a slice or lemon pie.

Does this say that what I did and how I behaved resonated with my actual real beliefs and feelings which is why i feel ok and that my previous grovelling behaviour caused my anxiety because it was so against what I really felt and believed? Or am I just a complete unfeeling cow like she told me I was.

Writing this is giving me a mild case of anxiety but overall I feel ok. Like I did something right, for me. Not right necessarily for her or our situation but for once I did what was right for me.

I've waffled enough. Perhaps I'm starting to wake up to myself and what I hear coming from her and how her behaviour is not my fault.