Originally Posted by
AprilMay1895 
Am I being a whimpy, whiny pushover with this? Acting like I have no power when I do? Denying my own ability for self-control just because it's "hard" to say no to what I want? Lacking the confidence to believe in myself and my own power over my own actions?
I think so. If I REALLY want to quit drinking SO BADLY like I say I do, then I should just quit. No if's and's or's or but's about it. And this is all you've all really did...just quit and took no other answer from yourself. Even when the "whimpy, whiny, poor me" kicks in, you're answer is still just NEVER.
Let me know if I'm wrong.
Truthfully, in reading your posts, it reminds me so much of being stuck in
that place when I was drinking of being miserable and trying to intellectually climb my way out of the hole I was in - yet being stuck in some nightmarish spiral because I was still, in fact, drinking while trying to do so. I thought of everything (lol, one time I even left positive, reaffirming sticky notes all over the house in a drunken stupor about not drinking and to "cheer up" - yeah, that didn't do squat the next day). I was living in pure insanity because I continued to drink and really felt that some magic, intellectual plan was going to finally resonate with me while I was in the midst of my addiction and from there things would get better. The harsh truth was, nothing was going to resonate with me or make sense until I first decided point blank to stop.
In reading your posts, it feels like the
real you is searching but because you are still drinking, The Beast/addictive voice is in full swing and shutting down every viable option out there - and that you are often times at one with The Beast but don't see it. It reminds me so much of how I was for a very long time. I hope you can climb out soon.