Brynn…I loved your comment about "deliberate and confident living". Sobriety empowers me. For me attaching my sobriety to an external system I felt put me in a precarious position. For I think I felt if I failed at a system, then my sobriety was tainted.
It felt very risky to offer up criticism of the way I was doing things to others who were invested in doing it differently. Unfortunately, early on we are in a vulnerable position and our lack of time sober makes us an easy target for people who have been doing it longer.
I was steered in a direction by my rehab. I was steered in a direction by my therapist. I was steered in a direction by a sober coach that my therapist somewhat forced on me. I felt disengaged from my sobriety…as if it was up for public scrutiny and susceptible to being sculpted to fit other's concept of what sobriety entailed.
Around 6 months I took a stand. I let my therapist go, lost the sober coach, and began to realize that the dreadful predictions that I would fail if I didn't do it a specific way were not applicable to me.
I don't care how other people get sober. It is not my place to judge them, we each arrive at the gates of sobriety with a different suitcase full of complexities. Gender, age, socioeconomic factors, physical issues, personalities….an endless list that undoubtedly means our different needs would indicate we need different solutions.
That is what makes alcoholism and addiction so darn difficult. We manifest similar behaviors but I believe it is because of a very broad range of reasons.
Imagine an ER room. 10 people with broken legs. One fell off a ladder, another a car crash, a ski accident, slipped on ice, injured in the workplace, etc. They all present with the same issue, yet the origins are markedly different. Some knew they were playing with fire, others were simply meandering along and are stunned that their life was turned upside down.
Now these same people are discharged. One is picked up by a limo and ferried home to be waited on by a slew of staff, recovery time is meaningless, there is no pressing issues. Another has to take public transportation, get up four flights of stairs and figure out how to pay the rent as they can't wait tables with a broken leg. The car crash victim is picked up by his mother who has already called his college to see if he can defer this semester. The ski racer knows he has forfeited his place on the ski team…he is not sure if he will be able to make it to the Olympics.
Same issue..but they all got there differently and they will all need to unwind it based on their life stories.
Now plug in a psychological injury like addiction. Way more complicated in how we arrive there, and way more complicated on the fallout and repair.
Nothing is wrong with you, simply nothing. In fact I have followed your progress and I am not surprised you have arrived at a place where you feel resistant to being pressured to do it a particular way. You are pretty kick-a** in my opinion. You realized your beau was an impediment, you moved out. You write beautifully. You are succinct and intelligent and you are chafing at others telling you that there is only one way to do things. You arrived at the same place I did…believe in yourself. This is probably one of the most important things you will ever do…and NO ONE knows you better than you know yourself.
SR has brilliantly shown me the array of ways to get sober. I love it. And I feel that going forward the world of sobriety will continue to expand which will mean more people will find solutions that work for them. SR opens the door for all of us to be able to draw on that which will reinforce our strengths. And there is nothing wrong with questioning and sorting…it is a process, and you are well on your way!