Welcome Newly - lots of good advice here. Just about all of us had a point in our life where we started to realize that our drinking was a problem. And as most others have said here, once you've crossed that line into addictive/alcoholic drinking, you can never go back. It's not the news you want, but the facts speak for themselves unfortunately. I bargained with my addiction for many years but it always won in the end.
The good news is that you can build a better life without alcohol - and the folks here on SR can help you do so. Lots of support and understanding to be found, hope you can stick around.