Interesting morning out with my dad today; he drove me 30 miles to my CT scan (they had me doped on antihistamine because of an allergy to IV contrast dye), and we had a nice breakfast out afterward. My sister across the state is in flux and depressed, her son is downstate drinking and drugging and indicating suicidal tendencies...my dad said, "You're the stable one right now!" I laughed hysterically at the irony. I was the one that gave them the gray hairs from worry while I was growing up: fast friends, drugs and partying, a parent's basic nightmare...now I'm the one that's stable!
He's proud of my sobriety, and has about as much tolerance for emotional hysteria as I do; I don't call my sister much because I never know if she'll be crying when she answers the phone. I can and usually do cheer her up with my stupid humor, but it takes something out of me...and when I recently learned of my nephew calling her drunk and semi-suicidal, I got
pissed! I have little empathy for those who threaten to take their own lives; I think it's a cruel thing to do to people who love you.
But then, so was my drinking, I suppose. I don't know...sometimes I feel guilty for feeling okay with my life right now! Look at all the crazy drama going on with others; how come I get to be stable when they don't? Whatever...I'm just so angry with my nephew, feeling totally helpless to help him, knowing that intrusion into his life is not helpful, no more that it was for me when I was determined to drink myself to death. But I never told my mother I was ready to off myself, don't care how drunk I was...
Sorry to spew such ugly thoughts tonight; usually I'm the goofy comic relief guy, and I enjoy being him. But it does take its toll on me, when I don't know how to help people so close to me...because I just don't think you
can truly help with that level of depression, or alcoholism, or drug addiction. Something has to come from within for them to get better...
Ugh, enough, goodnight my friends, and thanks for listening
