ptarmigan

I wonder if anyone shared my state of mind or could help me see it from above. I don't expect to miraculously find the solution to my alcohol solution. I really want to discuss the nature of the alcohol fixated mind.
I drink too much, like everyone here. I can stop drinking and feel great and then after an interval I start again. I'd say I'm about 50/50 as regards drinking days for the last year or two. I don't know about units, but if I'm staying in I'd drink 2 to 3 bottles of strong red wine. On the occassions I go out I've no idea what I'd drink.
The thing is when drink it's because I want to drink. There's no struggle going on. People imagine an angel and a devil scenario playing out. I don't have that. All I have is, "I want a drink." No problem, no wrangling going on. It just happens. As soon as it enters my head, "you know what I could do with......" and then I'm back drinking again, exactly where I don't want to be.
I just wonder, is that the big deal for you all? Is that the real problem? We can all be strong but if our real selves are wanting something then there's nothing else in us to fight against it.
I'm getting a bit overly philosphical I suppose but I suppose this is what the idea of powerlessness is. You maybe need a deserted island or a monastry or something.
In my mind I have plenty of control. But then for instance I've been completely sober for a while and then I'm going on a train and then that same mind - me - decides to go and buy some of those vodka and coke cans for the journey, and then that's a week or two of heavy drinking commenced.
So I was wondering how others feel about this. Do you struggle between a right and a wrong? Is it a fight? I only find it easy. I find it incredibly easy to be sober but impossible not to be drunk. I could win a straight fight but I don't get one, I just do what I'm told.
Where do you see youselves in this? Are you back one step, oh I shouldn't have done that, or are you present at the time you start drinking. I don't think I'm really there at the time. Regardless of my sober happiness I just say, I want a drink, and there I am.
So, I'm interested in how others see their minds working. Do you have a higher and lower self for instance? I certainly don't.
I think the only way to change myself would be to change my circumstances.
Has anyone, or has anyone got rid of their habit by intelligent choice? Of has it always been through forced abstinence or a fierce mental straitjacket?
Has anyone just used reason to alter their behaviour as regards drink or drugs?
I know that I'm not in control.