Feeling pretty bad today
I'm really struggling today. All I ever think about is that I ruined my life. I had, past tense, great jobs, my sh** together. Then, drinking too much has caused me a DUI. Plus, I'm declaring bankruptcy & I owe back taxes (this was more because I had a biz fail when my dad died. I missed too much work & my company went under.)
So, I was still on top in 2015. But I've made such a mess of things, I feel like a failure and that there is no way out. I feel like I'll never go back to my career (haven't worked since 2015).
I'm supposed to be getting disability soon for major depressive disorder & PTSD. I'm only planning on being on it for two years tops & then go back to work. I have a great resume & work experience. I should be able to renew my career. I'll be getting more specialized certifications for my field and already have lucrative certifications. The reason I'm going to be on disability is to heal and put recovery first. Plus, get a lot of other things in my life sorted out.
But for today, I feel terrible. I was always the successful one through the years while many friends struggled. Now, they're doing great (which is a good thing for real) and I'm in the toilet. I envy them but in no way jealous.
Right now, all I can think about is how I ruined my life. I can't even drive due to anxiety so it is hard for me to get out of the house. I'm going to get EMDR to help with the driving again. I haven't driven since my DUI because it scares me.
So, today I feel terrible with a put in my stomach. I'm 7 months sober but I really want a drink right now. It won't fix anything AT ALL. But, it'll make me feel better for a few hours. I'm not going to drink though.
I hate feeling terrible all the time. How do I realistically start to feel better? I go to AA. I have a great sponsor plus other people supporting me.
However, I feel pretty terrible most of the time. I try walking my dog in the park. Yoga. Trying to do things I enjoy. But I'm always afraid. Afraid I'll never be hired anywhere again (which, logically isn't true). I'm so sad all the time that I've lost so much. It sucks and I cry a lot.
Any words of encouragement? I feel terrible. I'm crying right now...