Your comment Sailorgirl, and reading the article that Bernadette posted really resonated with me also. I've been REALLY working hard to notice that I have been in a position where someone else's behaviour and feelings have been more important than mine for my entire life! And I've been in my AH's lane for the last three months worse than ever before.
I seem to be able to put my worries and concerns about the alcoholic aside for a day or two, but find that if I don't keep working hard on this every day I slip into finding a way to help him or understand him. I lie to myself about how the circumstances are 'different' this time. It's always easy for me to find an excuse.... Then it just becomes all about semantics. A few days ago he told me that he had really wanted a drink but he pictured me being disappointed etc etc (similar to the OP email) and I saw how words like that just suck me right back into thinking that I do have some control after all. Luckily (and unusually) I saw it in the moment of the conversation and challenged him with a "really? You're only sober right now because of me?" And he said, no, and was a bit more honest and forthcoming. So it's like I'm an addict to codependancy, and he encourages me, and part of that is about his alcoholic manipulative mind, and the other part is because I have engaged him and taken part in these games for decades. I don't think it helps to try and figure out what part of his mind wrote that email. Even thinking and writing about what my AH's possible motives could be or his behaviours is a way I slide back.
How we get out of this, I think, is different for everyone. For me, I am practicing three little things every day that I do for me whether I want to or not, I'm working through step four, going to councelling and alanon, exercising, tidying my house, and I keep reading about codependancy and writing down my individual traits. I think exercise and mindful walking have been really good for me because they bring me back into feeling my body and who I am and away from unhealthy thoughts.