Spahappy

Hi all, this is my first post but I’ve been reading here for a few months now. Want to start off by thanking you for sharing your strength and wisdom - it has been very helpful and inspiring for me. I’m writing today because my 6-week sober AH has announced that he’s ready to try drinking again and I could really use some advice from this group.

For some background, I’ve been married to my AH for 8 years. He was always a social drinker but his drinking became progressively worse over the time we’ve been married and really started to become a problem about 18 months ago. It turned from an occasional social thing to drinking everyday after work to making up excuses to work from home any chance he could so he could drink alone all day.

For a while I believed his lies, excuses, let him blame me and the kids, etc. When I began to take action was when it progressed to the point of him endangering our two little boys by drinking and driving while picking them up at school, passing out and failing to pick them up, passing out while he was home alone with them, etc. I’m the main breadwinner in the family and his job is much less demanding and more flexible so i’ve historically relied on him to do most of the school drop offs/pick ups. But had to put my career in a holding pattern in order to take on more of that responsibility and keep the kids safe.

I’ve spent he last 6 months or so really educating myself about alcoholism, read “codependent no more” and “getting them sober” which were both really helpful, started seeing a counselor that specializes in addiction, read many of the stickys here, etc. After a long road of tears, denying, sleepless nights, broken promises and failed attempts to control/stop his drinking, I finally told him that his drinking no longer created an acceptable environment for our family and he needed to get help or move out. I left town with the kids for a vacation without him and the morning of my return he sent me a message that he realized what he was about to lose and he was ready to get help.

He wouldn’t go to a rehab facility but stopped drinking, started meeting regularly with an alcohol counselor, checked out AA, etc. I stayed out of it in an effort to let him manage his own recovery. He seemed to be doing well and the biggest change this time compared to his prior attempts to quit was his attitude.

Previously when he took breaks from drinking (usually after a major screw up when I was told him I couldn’t live like this anymore), he turned into a very unhappy, withdrawn dry drunk who would try to blame his drinking problem on me and everything else in his life. I could tell he was white-knuckling it through. And this was another boundary I had set - he could not turn into that miserable person again and stay in the house. This time he seemed to be happy, actively engaged with me and the kids, etc. I’m fairly detached from him at this point but did allow my hopes to get up a bit when I saw how well he was doing. Wouldn’t it be lovely to spare my kids from a divorce and have their parents live happily ever after together. They love their daddy so much.

Fast forward to last night when I received an email he had sent me earlier in the day. He says that he wants a “reboot” to try drinking again now that he is in a “more clear mind”. He says this is something he feels he needs to do. Quote from his email: “I need to know if changing my thought process, beliefs and being honest with myself will make a difference. I know this will be difficult for you and I have wanted to talk about this, but I dread hurting you. I need you to know that I am being honest with myself, I need to see if I can do this and if it resembles what we’ve gone through before, I will know that I can’t. Simple as that! I don’t want to live like we have over the past year, I want to have a normal, happy life with you and I believe we can.” He also includes a bunch of excuses for why his drinking got as bad as it did (religious upbringing, social anxiety, etc).

Is this just his alcoholic voice taking control and desperately trying to find a way to drink again? Have the last 6 weeks of his niceness and positive attitude really been an act to manipulate me into letting him stay in the house AND drink? I’m trying to figure out how to respond at this point. Clearly he has not actually been in recovery. The choices flying through my head range from telling him to move out immediately; to demanding couples counseling first to talk about how this “drinking again” would work; to letting him drink again, fall on his face, and maybe it will finally sink in that he can’t control it and needs to stop for good. I know he won’t stop until he’s ready.

Am I completely insane for even considering allowing him to start drinking again in our house? Sorry for the novel. Any advice this group can provide would be really helpful!

PeacefulWater12

"Reboots" don't work! Once we are alkies/problem drinkers, it is with us for life. Moderating does not work for us.

This is just his addiction persuading him to pick up again.

i am sorry you are in this situation. Have you considered Al-anon for you and Ala-teen for your children? My husband drinks and I found Al-anon enormously helpful. Sending best wishes to you.

firebolt

Yes - a thousand percent...YES!!!

Quite possibly

Well, I'm going to circle back to your words...because you are a strong, smart, intuitive gal:

.... because I think this should be exactly your answer this time as well.

He is negotiating with you to get things back to how they used to be - he can happily drink, and you can just be quiet about it. And you used to waiver and agree to live that way. We all did.

This time can be different!! Trust your gut, you know the truth. You are on high alert, and with very VERY good reason.

Angrymarble

I understand your predicament. Yes, he is trying to manipulate you so he can drink again. I know this because my H is doing it to me too.

I thought he hit rock bottom when he got a dui. Then I thought he hit it when he took care of the kids and drank. He went to outpatient and was doing well. Now I know he was doing well to make himself look good for court. He got lucky and no jail time.

He started with I just want a beer to now we are in vacation and he’s had multiple drinks every day for the past 8 days. He’s not drunk - he’s functioning. I know he’ll stop of Thursday though bc we head home and Monday he needs to get tested at outpatient.

Today I told him to stop drinking and he asked me for a few more days.

Between this site and another one I’m on two sayings go through my head...

1) more will be revealed.

2) they are showing you who they are. I love my husband but he’s showing me he’s just manipulating people to get the best outcome. His psychiatrist and sponsor don’t know he’s drinking.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. If your h wants to drink make him get interlock on his car so he can’t drink and drive.

I wish I had the answers for you. The only thing I can tell you is you aren’t alone...

AnvilheadII

doesn't that seem like an awfully lot of words and argument, justification and rationalization, in his pronouncement to you? if he truly didn't want things to be as "bad as this past year" he would take drinking out of the equation PERMANENTLY. problem solved.

you really aren't ALLOWING him to do anything, altho you could establish a boundary of no alcohol in the home. however that doesn't prevent him from bringing booze home, it simply acts as YOUR marching orders if he does....you either stay while he drinks, or you leave. the boundary is not FOR HIM, it's for you.

dandylion

Spahappy......yes, I do think that his alcoholic voice is screaming at him through a big megaphone .....24/7.

The fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink like a "normie". Will usually try...over...and o ver...and over, again.
Thing is...alcoholism is progressive...and, another attempt at drinking will result to the
previous level and worse, much faster than the last time....

sounds like he is turni ng himself into a pretzel trying to get you to be his permission giver...to underwrite his decision to drink again.
don't fall for it.
If I were you (and, I'm not...lol)....I would tell him that this is his decision and that he should make it with the help of his counselor or his sponsor.
I don't suggest that you waste your time, energy, and, money on couples therapy.
If he is wanting to drink this bad...he is going to drink. If you endorse his plan...this just gives him ammunition to blame you with, when it all comes tu mbling down.

Since you can already predict the income....you have been educating yourself and seeing a counselor...which is good....I would suggest that you start making your plans as to what you are going to do. That way....you will be much m ore prepared to cope w hen the time comes to institute your plans.
I suggest that you start going to alanon...now....because you are going to need all the support that you can garner.
You don't need to s hare any of this with him...as he will just probably twist this as something negative..."You don't have faith in me"...etc.......

I don't relish saying this to you...as I know that it is not what you want to hear....but, those of us who have witness this sort of thing time and time again....we have a moral obligation to support your best welfare.....

Reading is good and the counselor is good...but, when one feels like the worst has happened...there is nothing like a group of real live humans who understand, beyond words, what you are going through.....

Eauchiche

Dear Spahappy
So sorry for what brings you here!
I have just over 4 years sober with no drinks other than an occasional sip from the Communion Chalice.

Some of my alcoholic friends doubt that I am really an alcoholic. I was ready to quit and did so with no sponsor or programs. I am really in recovery for my codependency.

Sometimes I get asked the question if I could have one glass of wine. I could, but choose not to. I know my own history, that of drinking more and more over time. So, I just don't do it.

From the way you describe him, your man is in MUCH worse shape than I was. No, he can NEVER drink again, period!

You have a good head on your shoulders and have already taken steps to help yourself. You must put your children ahead of your husband.

We are here to support you.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that leaves you with the choice of what to do.
I would forbid alcohol in the home and around the children.

Angrymarble

Just to caution you... I said no drinking at all previously. My h took that to mean no drinking at home. He would drink at a bar and then drive home.

If your h gets into an accident he could wipe out everything you’ve worked for.

SparkleKitty

He has not accepted that he is an alcoholic yet. Have you?

Hawkeye13

You'll be back where you started and maybe worse if he starts again.
That's how it works when alcoholics try to moderate.

It's like the disease keeps progressing even if they are dry for awhile.
It did for me.
There is no such thing as a "reboot" once your body chemistry has changed
to accommodate addiction.

Sounds to me like he will drink whether you endorse it or not, but most likely try to hide it if you say no.
I think you'd better get Plan B in order and let him know you meant what you said about no room in your family's life for living with addiction.

Please note that if he sneaks it, your children may be at risk if he drives them
or looks after them. I don't have kids, but many times I didn't reveal I was drinking to my spouse or hid the amount.

That's a very common strategy (unfortunately) and dangerous if you are looking after children.

aliciagr

My husband did this when he was working with his addiction doc, I didn't particularly like it because it scared me, but it wasn't my decision to make. I could have decided to remove myself, but I didn't. Instead I just waited to see what happened. I do think there are degrees of alcohol abuse. My husband didn't consider himself an alcoholic and still doesn't. There were no issues when he did this, but he eventually stopped anyway. We never kept in our home to begin with so this was outside the home at dinner or a work event, He began some medication that said it wasn't to be mixed with alcohol and as far as I know he stopped then. He reaffirmed it before our son was born saying he thought it would be best if he was raised in an environment without his parents drinking as to set a good example and show life doesn't need to be centered around alcohol to be great.

aliciagr

Spahappy,

There is something I wanted to address, and forgot in my above post. I saw where he informed you of this via email? This was definitely something my husband and I talked about 1:1, and in addition to this we discussed it in our family therapy session. I would not have been comfortable with an email notice!

trailmix

He drove drunk with his children, he passed out while they were in his care, passed out and didn't pick them up from school.

Now he would like to try and give it another go? What kind of reasoning goes in to that kind of decision?

wehav2day

All of the behavior you wrote about screams alcoholism to me, an alcoholic myself. (In recovery)

The great white whale, glittery unicorn, Loch Ness monster of the alcoholic is... the ability to drink moderately. It’s like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to us, and I chased it with abandon and endless tweaks to my drinking style in hopes that THIS time I’d be able to drink like normal people. I quit for not six weeks, but six months. Three times. Didn’t work.

We alkies ain’t normal people. Not where alcohol is concerned.

Programs of recovery address this. In my case it was aa. In aa, step 1 is both simple and hard. You have to admit you’re powerless over alcohol, which is really easy when you’re hung over with a dui and a wife threatening to kick you out. But it’s more difficult at say, 6 weeks when your life is better, your marriage happier and things falling back into place. It’s super common (again, been there. Throwing no stones) to begin thinking you can balance booze and your life, somehow, THIS TIME.

Trouble is, once powerless always powerless. That’s how it works for us. The sooner we realize it, and accept it, the better our lives are. Truly.

Sailorgirl57

I agree with the others. It might be useful for you to create a plan B for yourself. Get a notebook and start writing things down. Where would you live? What would your monthly budget look like? Where would you go for support? What would be the advantages of living alone? You don’t have to take action, just consider your options.

This is what I did, and when I made a plan that could work for me, I realized I could make it on my own. I got divorced and I have never regretted my decision.

Bernadette

That email would really p*ss me off! Like, any response you give lowers things to a level where you are either approving or disapproving....it is so manipulative.

I loved this article. It's up to date research on the alcoholic thinking/poor recovery participation that leads to drinking again.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4553654/

I learned a lot from it and can see these behaviors so clearly in my A bros as they slide along in a weak recovery pattern just long enough to keep their codependent women fooled and then they resume drinking and it is instantly worse than before.

But if he wants to do "further research" that's his choice and his alone. I'd keep him away from the children; what you saw before is what you'll see again. And what they/we never know is if will they be able to pull out of the inevitable flaming tailspin before they crash and burn this time. Let go or be dragged.

Peace,
B.

Givenup2018

[QUOTE=Spahappy;6847183]


Fast forward to last night when I received an email he had sent me earlier in the day. He says that he wants a “reboot” to try drinking again now that he is in a “more clear mind”. He says this is something he feels he needs to do. Quote from his email: “I need to know if changing my thought process, beliefs and being honest with myself will make a difference. I know this will be difficult for you and I have wanted to talk about this, but I dread hurting you. I need you to know that I am being honest with myself, I need to see if I can do this and if it resembles what we’ve gone through before, I will know that I can’t. Simple as that! I don’t want to live like we have over the past year, I want to have a normal, happy life with you and I believe we can.” He also includes a bunch of excuses for why his drinking got as bad as it did (religious upbringing, social anxiety, etc).


Simply, he has not reached his 'bottom.' He is talking himself into why he should not give up the drink, he only needs to minimise it, it is not the cause of all your problems, blah blah blah, quack quack quack.
He is not ready to put his family or your first, the drink is still the priority in his life.

Tell him he needs to abstain totally from alcohol, otherwise you do not have a future.
Get yourself into Alanon and get the support your need, start disengaging from him emotionally, otherwise you will continue to be on the rollercoaster. So many of us kept having hope that they would change, I don't know how many times I have got off the roller coaster only to get on again. Take care of your kids.

Givenup2018

I

Berrybean

So, he 'dreads' hurting you, has a good idea it will end up like it did before, but is willing to run thatrisk anyway so he can drink and is hoping that you will also make him being able to drink top priority.

Nuts. Yep. That s his AV. But let's be clear, AVs only want to manipulate their alcoholic. If YOU are being manipulated it's not by his AV, it's by HIM.

One of the things our AVs are excellent at is minimising the cold hard facts of where alcohol took us. He may need prompting to think about what he actually means when he says it may take him back to where it was before.

It's a shame that he only 'checked AA out' And to be honest, a lot of people who limit their experience to just checking it out do so because they have no intention of accepting (at that point) that they will NEVER be able to drink like a normie. Here in the UK a lot of alcohol 'counsellors' also seem to think that moderation is possible for alcoholics, despite the fact that this never happens.

I really do feel for you, but it does sound like he hasn't realky accepted that he's an alcoholic. Once he's drinking again, you know full well (better than him by the sounds of things) where that will lead. And once he's drinking he'll be even less equipped to see through the insanity that is his AV speaking to him.
Please do get some support from AlAnon, and have a contingency plan ready for what you intend to do if things do get out of hand again.

Prayers for you (and for him) today.

BB