I had blackouts at the end of my drinking days and to this day, it scares me when I think of them. Blackouts are so, so dangerous and especially so for women.
It sounds like you know that you can no longer control your drinking. It's a hard realization to come to, but it's necessary in the process to begin recovery.
I needed to make some major lifestyle changes regarding people and activities in order to begin to recover. I couldn't be around alcohol at all for many months. But it's worth the changes and effort involved to be free. You can be the person you want to be. I hope you continue to read and post.