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I keep blacking out

Old 03-31-2018, 03:49 PM
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Unhappy I keep blacking out

This post is actually quite hard to write. It was equally difficult signing up for this site because I had to acknowledge myself as an addict and I'm not sure that that's what I am. However, I definitely have problems drinking.

I'm 29 years old and started drinking from around 15 years old. I never drink alone and would definitely describe myself as a 'social' drinker. I don't drink every day but go out most weekends. I probably get drunk around once a week, once every 2 weeks. When I do drink, I binge and I can't stop.

I think I first started having blackouts drinking when I went to university. It was a regular occurence that I'd have no memory whatsoever of getting home, or the night would be pretty fragmented. Probably the worst thing that happened was I got so drunk that I ended up in an ambulance because the doorman at the bar called one as I'd fallen and wouldn't/couldn't get up. That incident was 7 years ago now and you'd think that would have put me off getting drunk but it didn't. I've had awful fights with my sister drunk, arguments with boyfriends, and regrettable sex. All of these things have happened and the next day I couldn't remember them.

As I've gotten a bit older I go out less than I did at university, so I blackout less. This year I hadn't had a blackout at all in January and I was so pleased with myself - I thought I'd finally managed to get things under wraps. It was my new year resolution - no more blackouts. However, February rolled around and I had one at a house party; I know I was with a guy but I couldn't even remember if we slept together. I was too ashamed to ask.

Two weeks ago I went to a gig and got very drunk, and also took MDMA and cocaine (I don't do this every time I drink, I would estimate I take drugs around once a month though). When I woke up in the morning, I was with a guy. I asked him if we had slept together and he said yes. I had no memory of it at all. I felt so awful and depressed, I started crying and asked him to leave. I don't even know his name.

I decided to give drugs a rest and try not to get too drunk again. I went out last night and started the night with beer. I really thought I had things under control and was enjoying the night. Then I started drinking cocktails. I remember almost all of the night, but then the last part I have no idea about. I don't remember leaving the bar. I woke up with a friend of mine and again, I had to ask if we had had sex, and he said we had. He also said we didn't use protection.

I feel like I'm totally out of control even when I think I am. And I really want to stop drinking right now so I never have to feel like I have done today ever again. But I've been in this position multiple times, so many times I've lost count. I've vowed never to drink again and it's all well and good for a few days, a week, even two. But then someone invites me out and I just feel like I can't go out without having a drink. I just find it kind of boring. I feel like my friends would judge me because so much of our lifestyle is going out and partying. The thought of my life stretching out in front of me drink free depresses me, and I think about how good it would be if I could just NOT drink too much, not get blackout, like so many people I know seem to manage to do. But each time I try and do that, it doesn't work. And I need to be honest now that it's been years.

To make matters worse with the blackout sex, recently I met a guy I really like. Unfortunately, he lives in another country to me but we're keeping in touch and have plans to see one another again. We aren't exclusive but I really, REALLY like him, and I can't believe I've slept with other people when really all I want to do is be with him. It's because of drinking that I had sex with people I don't even know/like in that way, and I don't even remember it! I can't tell him about what's been happening because even though we aren't in a formal relationship I think it would make him think badly of me. I really don't want to **** things up with him and if we do end up actually in a relationship there will be months without seeing each other and if I'm getting drunk in that time, I'm scared I might cheat because of how out of control I get.

Does this situation remind anyone of their own? How did you tackle giving up drinking? Any advice or response would help me so much right now. I feel so miserable.
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Old 03-31-2018, 04:00 PM
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I've had more brownout/blackout sex than I can count or remember. As for my quitting(over a year now) I was court ordered to AA 1.5yrs ago after getting a 2nd DUI(blackout drunk) and crashed my truck. Still took me a few months to 'get it'. I also have stuck VERY close to this site for support. Sounds like you're living in a nightmare currently and I/we have been there. Welcome and read around. Make a sobriety plan and work it.
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Old 03-31-2018, 04:06 PM
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Thank you DontRemember. I'm hoping this time will be different and I'll keep some resolve. I'd never thought about going on a forum or something before. It's just a comfort to read other people saying they've had similar situations (or far worse!) and that they understand. A lot of people don't understand that inability to stop once you start. It seems people here do. Thanks again for responding!
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Old 03-31-2018, 04:07 PM
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It didn't happen to me right away but, once I started blacking out, the drinking fun times were pretty much a thing of the past.

Binge drinking with no stop control is usually a sign that one is alcoholic?
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Old 03-31-2018, 04:18 PM
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I had blackouts at the end of my drinking days and to this day, it scares me when I think of them. Blackouts are so, so dangerous and especially so for women.

It sounds like you know that you can no longer control your drinking. It's a hard realization to come to, but it's necessary in the process to begin recovery.

I needed to make some major lifestyle changes regarding people and activities in order to begin to recover. I couldn't be around alcohol at all for many months. But it's worth the changes and effort involved to be free. You can be the person you want to be. I hope you continue to read and post.
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Old 03-31-2018, 04:28 PM
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I hope our support can help you get sober for good. To stay sober you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.
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Old 03-31-2018, 04:53 PM
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Hi and welcome Froggle

It certainly reads like you have some pretty darn good reasons not to drink anymore.

The community helped me to face up to that, and to find the strength and courage to change my life.

I know we can help you too - I really hope you stick around

D
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Old 03-31-2018, 05:36 PM
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Isn't it crazy how we know exactly what alcohol will do to us, make us sick, make us black out, make us act out of character and make us die... and we willingly do it anyway, again and again. It's insane. At least you are here and you recognize you have a problem and more importantly you have a desire to change your life. Best to you.
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Old 03-31-2018, 06:02 PM
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Good to meet you, froggie. Drinking has caused you a lot of pain & anxiety. Sounds like it's time to get free of it. We know you can do it. Stay with us.
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Old 04-01-2018, 01:35 AM
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Hi Froggie, welcome. Its seems you have very good reasons not to drink in terms of the consequences.

I am an alcoholic of the chronic, hopeles variety. I identified with the two things in your posts that distinguish alcoholics of my type from problem drinkers. The loss of control after taking the first drink, and the loss of choice as to whether I will drink or not. A thousand times I swore off, only to find my self drinking again, sometimes within hours.

Strangely enough I had very few blackouts. Not every alcoholic has these, and many non alcoholics can black out if they drink to excess. But the non alcoholics can always say no if they want to. They have a choice as to whether they will drink or not, and they can stop all together if they have a good enough reason.

Us chronic types tend to have a pretty grim prognosis if we cannot stop. We have a progressive, terminal illness. It seems to kill a lot of drunks by misadventure when drinking, and there is the organ damage etc. And it seems the suicide rate among non-drinking alcoholics is much higher than the general population, probably because we find it very uncomfortable to live sober in the world with out a big change in the way we lead our lives.

Still, it was possible for me to recover by following a few simpe suggestions in the AA program. Cost me a cup of coffee a day, and a willingness to dispense with old and damaging ideas. I have been sober long time, without even the need to make a choice to not drink. The problem was simply removed in the process, no choice needed. I was 22 when I had my last drink, I was unlikely to have seen 23.

All the best.
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Old 04-01-2018, 04:32 AM
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I had a lot of blackouts in my 20s an 30s. I’m 52 now, and there are years of my life I cannot remember. I lost my best years. Sex I didn’t remember with people I didn’t remember? Yep. I’m so sorry now that I didn’t stop sooner. I made excuses for myself about how much “fun” I was having. It wasn’t really fun; I think I just couldn’t face whatever it was I didn’t like about myself.
Stick by us. We’ve been there. Hope you decide to get clean and sober; it’s a much more peaceful and wonderful way to live!
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Old 04-01-2018, 04:38 AM
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HI Froggle and Welcome to SR. You've made a good start in posting to SR. Sounds like alcohol is causing problems in your life. Most times I cannot moderate either once I've started drinking, though I start with good intentions. SR is full of wonderful folks with many years of cumulative sobriety and wisdom. We can help. Read through the threads and post when you feel like it. You are not alone. I practically lived on SR during my first days. It will help. Stay close.
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Old 04-01-2018, 05:08 AM
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I found that black outs happened later on in my drinking years. I mainly drank alone in my house so my black outs essentially just were my waking up on the sofa wondering what TV program o conked out at

The thing I picked up on re your black outs is unprotected sex and if you're hoping to be in a relationship with the guy you like, then this could definitely jeopardize it. Not just the idea cheating but catching STIs. You could unknownly pass something to the guy you like :-/

I used to have friends like yours- even if I tried going sober on a night out, they'd start buying me drinks and my sobriety would be long gone. I ended up lying at one point, saying I'm on medication/antibiotics and that helped a bit
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Old 04-01-2018, 06:03 AM
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Said gently - your title to the OP says it all.

I thought the occasional ... brown out...was normal in my 20s, dismissed blackouts in my 30s until they became regular and I REALLY dismissed them....then I quit drinking.

Regardless of all the other info you shared or what to label "it," blackouts are a bad thing.
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Old 04-01-2018, 06:16 AM
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could you try AA/NA it could help you a lot ...i had a few blackouts in my drinking time one i went to the pub drank like a fish then i had a blackout according to witnesses i punched someone i dont remember anything of this at all my mother is an alcoholic she had blackouts and i knew i needed help so i decided to stop there and then yes i went back to drink a few times more but am now 30 days sober thanks to 12 step programs
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Old 04-01-2018, 07:29 AM
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Thank you everyone. It is really nice to get messages back. I live in Brazil but I'm English and I've managed to find an English speakers AA meeting which is on Tuesday. I think I am going to go to see what it is about, even though I don't feel the urge to drink daily...it may help me when next weekend comes along and all my friends are heading out to a club/party.
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