froggle

This post is actually quite hard to write. It was equally difficult signing up for this site because I had to acknowledge myself as an addict and I'm not sure that that's what I am. However, I definitely have problems drinking.

I'm 29 years old and started drinking from around 15 years old. I never drink alone and would definitely describe myself as a 'social' drinker. I don't drink every day but go out most weekends. I probably get drunk around once a week, once every 2 weeks. When I do drink, I binge and I can't stop.

I think I first started having blackouts drinking when I went to university. It was a regular occurence that I'd have no memory whatsoever of getting home, or the night would be pretty fragmented. Probably the worst thing that happened was I got so drunk that I ended up in an ambulance because the doorman at the bar called one as I'd fallen and wouldn't/couldn't get up. That incident was 7 years ago now and you'd think that would have put me off getting drunk but it didn't. I've had awful fights with my sister drunk, arguments with boyfriends, and regrettable sex. All of these things have happened and the next day I couldn't remember them.

As I've gotten a bit older I go out less than I did at university, so I blackout less. This year I hadn't had a blackout at all in January and I was so pleased with myself - I thought I'd finally managed to get things under wraps. It was my new year resolution - no more blackouts. However, February rolled around and I had one at a house party; I know I was with a guy but I couldn't even remember if we slept together. I was too ashamed to ask.

Two weeks ago I went to a gig and got very drunk, and also took MDMA and cocaine (I don't do this every time I drink, I would estimate I take drugs around once a month though). When I woke up in the morning, I was with a guy. I asked him if we had slept together and he said yes. I had no memory of it at all. I felt so awful and depressed, I started crying and asked him to leave. I don't even know his name.

I decided to give drugs a rest and try not to get too drunk again. I went out last night and started the night with beer. I really thought I had things under control and was enjoying the night. Then I started drinking cocktails. I remember almost all of the night, but then the last part I have no idea about. I don't remember leaving the bar. I woke up with a friend of mine and again, I had to ask if we had had sex, and he said we had. He also said we didn't use protection.

I feel like I'm totally out of control even when I think I am. And I really want to stop drinking right now so I never have to feel like I have done today ever again. But I've been in this position multiple times, so many times I've lost count. I've vowed never to drink again and it's all well and good for a few days, a week, even two. But then someone invites me out and I just feel like I can't go out without having a drink. I just find it kind of boring. I feel like my friends would judge me because so much of our lifestyle is going out and partying. The thought of my life stretching out in front of me drink free depresses me, and I think about how good it would be if I could just NOT drink too much, not get blackout, like so many people I know seem to manage to do. But each time I try and do that, it doesn't work. And I need to be honest now that it's been years.

To make matters worse with the blackout sex, recently I met a guy I really like. Unfortunately, he lives in another country to me but we're keeping in touch and have plans to see one another again. We aren't exclusive but I really, REALLY like him, and I can't believe I've slept with other people when really all I want to do is be with him. It's because of drinking that I had sex with people I don't even know/like in that way, and I don't even remember it! I can't tell him about what's been happening because even though we aren't in a formal relationship I think it would make him think badly of me. I really don't want to **** things up with him and if we do end up actually in a relationship there will be months without seeing each other and if I'm getting drunk in that time, I'm scared I might cheat because of how out of control I get.

Does this situation remind anyone of their own? How did you tackle giving up drinking? Any advice or response would help me so much right now. I feel so miserable.