I am right now in the middle of getting out of my marriage which was everything you described above. It is tough and I am an emotional mess while he could not care less.
Nothing you say or do will make him change if he does not want to. I tried, cried, hot, banged my head, banged his head, did a lot shameful things out of frustration. Nothing. I walked out frustrated . Left him. Nothing changed. He is a weekend binger- that is what he told me. Except, he forgot to mention how many times he was stopping on his way back from work to take some shots.
He is very very high functioning. For now, he has Lost nothing but a nagging wife. You need to get off the crazy train and get some help for yourself. My husband got very very emotionally and verbally abusive once he realised that I was not going to back off . I am now going to al anon and to a psychologist for trauma therapy. RUN and do not look back.