Horn95

First off, I do not mean I want a drink. Far from it. I have been preparing this morning for meeting with my AA sponsor reading chapters 2 & 3 of the Big Book (idk, why they call it the “Big Book”; its 164 pages, and I could probably knock it our in a day; I read a lot for my work; I digress).

What has me down is what usually happens in early recovery, which happened last time I quit. Early sobriety SEEMS, to lay bare emotions and feelings supressed by alcohol. For me, I am deeply unhappy in my marriage.

My wife has been supportive. But she has always been emotionally distant when she is sober. She calls it her “shyness.” We have never really had a whole lot of romance. It was masked over by the one thing we shared in common. We loved to drink.

She is different from me though. She can go on a bender, and she does at least twice a month, and then not touch a drop. A couple of weeks ago when I was sober she went on one. She Went out with her girlfriends who all drink heavily when they do drink. When I got a little pissed she was going out with her friends without me, as we had not been spending a lot of time together, she said I was just mad because I cannot go to bars and not drink. And just because I have a “problem” doesn’t mean she cannot go out and drink. While that is true, the way she put it and said it came off as callous and unfeeling. It hurt.

So last night she went on a bender. Didn’t get home until 3 in the morning. I woke up and asked her why she was getting in so late she got angry and aggressive. She was still hammered. That she drove home like that is frightening.

Right now it is noon, and she is still sleeping it off. And I am left to deal with her daughter. With whom I do not get along. And my mother-in-law who is now with us 4-5 nights a week. Hard to have an intimate relationship with her mom around every weekend and then some. And I dearly miss my natural children. My 2 sons are serving in the Army, while my daughters are now busy teens who have to split time with Daddy and their friends/activities.

She will eventually get up and convalesce the day away on the couch taking naps and recovering. Meanwhile, we will have no alone time. Frankly, the lack of intimacy (and I do not mean just sex, but the closeness only a couple in Love can share), has gotten me down for a long time.

And now I am sad thinking this marriage will not last. But I know moods are all over the place in early recovery. So I need to give it some time. But I am pretty sad today. My marriage appears to be one void of love, tenderness and emotion. It is a transactional one in which I take care of her and her daughter and mother; while no one takes care of me. I feel very alone. I miss my kids.